It was the season of restlessness in my soul. Yet I hadn’t given much thought to soul talk, or soul work for so long. But in the pain and chaos of circumstances of my life, I had to make choices. I know now, it was God gently whispering, nudging me awake.
Hidden away, I felt so unknown to anyone. I wanted to scream: Who am I really? A young mother with much to learn ahead, a hard worker, a good daughter, a faithful wife, a loving sister, a loyal friend, a child of God (last on the list, you notice). And, as a woman, so aware of all the hats I must wear in this world—especially now that many things were on my shoulders. It wasn’t the roles were before me, it was masks that I was wearing that were perplexing and mystifying.
As if a child at a Halloween party trying on every mask to see what I fit, I had chosen the “I have everything under control” and “I will please all people no matter the cost” masks. But it was early on as a single Mom that God shook me wide awake urging me to become my authentic self. During this time I began to really seek God with my whole heart—probably as a natural part of my healing but of my sense to go deeper and to find my true purpose.
Nurturing came naturally, so I began to be more concerned about caring for others and less about addressing my own needs. Yet my soul was dry and thirsty. Covering up fear of rejection, betrayal, abandonment, doubt, fear by being all and doing all to seek others’ approval wasn’t working so well. I was burned out. The “everything is OK, see I’m doing great and can handle it all” smile may have fooled some. But I knew as I drew closer to God that He saw the real me. I didn’t know how to ask for help and I thought I’d seem a failure to others if I did. I was losing myself, or at least my soul, by hiding myself in the shadows instead of living my life fully and genuinely.
Fear was at the root of continuing to wear these unflattering masks that began to make me less than I was created to be. Peeling back the layers of those masks was hard work. I had worn them for so long. But slowly I began to give up on the unreasonable patterns of not measuring up (in my own mind). I was enamored with the temporal, instead of the eternal. Perfection was what I strived for and wondered why I could never measure up. Was I serious? Even with the brokenness of a divided family, I still wanted to look sparkling—inside an out. I wanted to cover up my flaws. This kind of thought pattern was crushing me. Wounds just grew deeper. I felt the canyon between God and I. Choosing masks to please others instead of living a God-pleasing life.
It was like playing dress-up as a child. Putting on a whole new persona and becoming someone I was never meant to be. It was a pretend life. Instead of choosing to allow my real, true, authentic nature show, I was living under false pretense and veil of a facade.
That is when I cried out to God wondering who I was, who I was supposed to be, who I’d become. Who was I at the core of my being? I thought about the fear that held me and I opened my Bible to this verse: So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. (I John 4:16,18). Imagine that, no fear in love!
As I prayed, I found God saying in many different ways to me: You are called to be who you were created to be. I knew that meant first being a Child of God. That’s where I started and that was the journey that took me beyond busyness and approval seeking, poor self-image and past wounds to the God that loves me.
You see, it was the discovery that the Good Girl within me—the girl who made everyone happy, spoke when spoken to, took the path of least resistance, often stuffed down her own true feelings and never, never colored outside the lines—just had to go. Delving deep into God’s love gave me the opportunity—the gift—of being loved just as I was. God brought me through pain to a season of my life where He was revealing Himself to me and myself to me. The journey was the first part of finding myself loved completely by the God that shaped me.
That breakthrough has stayed with me and though twists and turns abound, God continues in this unearthing of love – changing and growing me beyond what I could have imagined.
Psalm 139 is one of my favorites and sometimes when I want to put a mask back on for approval of others, I pray now about what it is God desires of me. And I recite this as memory of who I am in Christ: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth. (Psalm 139:13-15). And He helps me put the mask aside and look to Him.
I’m pretty sure being loved by and loving God is what finally taught me to take leaps of faith, risk opening my heart again and having the courage to living the life for which I was created.
Unmasking the soul to reveal and unveil your real life--your true self--is highly recommended. And anyway-- drawing outside the lines is great fun!
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