The Journey of Letting Go

It was a particularly beautiful spring evening. I headed off to the park for an evening stroll and to spend time with God. There was so much action…teenagers playing football, bikes zooming by, geese descending on the pond so gracefully. I head up the hill and turn off on a hiking trail. I take in the sounds and sights and smells. The oak trees tower above and the smell of fragrant flowering blossoms and new grass and leaves fill the air. I am surrounded by the beauty of nature and grateful for the moments spent awakened and aware of God’s presence.

In the distance I see a Mom on her bike with two small boys following behind. The younger one is just learning to ride and by the time I reach them, the Mom and son are exasperated that he’s tired, he can’t do it, he won’t do it. I smile to myself. Her eyes meet mine and I greet her. “I’m a single Mom, “ she says, as if needing to explain her frustration, her look of being totally overwhelmed. “I am, too, “ I smile at her. “You are?” she asks incredulously. I stop and talk to the boy s and to her. She wants to know why I don’t seem as tired as her. (In truth, I’m exhausted.) I explain that my boys are grown and that I’m experiencing a very different level of parenting. She says, “What I wouldn't do for one walk in the park by myself…I just want one minute where I’m not supplying everything…the financial, the schoolwork, the encouragement, the physical play.” My heart goes right back to the moment in time she is living through. And then her eyes fill with tears and this stranger becomes a friend, “Will it ever get easy…this being alone and being everything to everyone.” My heart fills with compassion for the place she finds herself. I can only tell her to find the moments to enjoy, that as tired as she becomes not to miss any moment…because they are so fleeting. I hear my voice now quivering and realizing that so deep within me I’m dealing with the change in my home, in my life of blinking and my boys being out on their own.

Even now, life is so different. It’s more guiding, than teaching. More reminding, than telling. Less roots, more wings. And even this stage I love. I love that my life with my sons is still filled with deep questions in the night about how to forgive and what makes a girl more special than the others. What commitment is and why the bond of family is important. The debate of finding faith and realizing it makes a difference. The all-important questions of when the Phillies are going to turn it on this year.

There is a peace now. Because the foundation is set, and even though it still needs readjusting, rexamining from time to time, I’m so sure of the foundation, of my Rock, of who has been my partner in these years of creating, shaping, becoming. And I love the sounds of the boys becoming solid friends and the joyful, deep belly laughter we still share. I love the way they sitll look me and the way I still feel when they walk in the room. Yet, I know I will just blink and they’ll be gone from me…we’re holding on ever so gently now…as it should be.

And the thought comes to me quickly, but I've been thinking about it for so long. That my life a mother and especially a single mother has been so much about doing my best, taking leaps of faith and then letting go. It has been like a coming of age…letting go instead of holding on… letting of go of my husband (and best friend) through divorce, letting go of pain and choosing forgiveness, letting go of despair and choosing hope, letting go of perfection and choosing humanness, letting go of perception and choosing truth, letting go of dreams to forge new ones, letting go of loved ones with the reassurance we will be joined again, letting go of judgments and allowing freedom.

As I walk out of the woods in the park I hear this incessant chirping. I can’t believe what I’m seeing and I know, once more, it is God’s awakening me to all that is real and beautiful and points me to His glory. High above, a mother robin, is edging her baby to the rim of the nest…and she nudges again and the baby robin takes flight. And I am left in awe…of the moment, of the experience, of my life.

A Prayer from This Mother

When I close my eyes in prayer
And I feel the stillness of the night
And I am bathed in the quiet of your presence
My heart full of the gift of this day
I am covered by your love and grace.

The depth of my soul stirs
And I am so eternally grateful for being a Mom--
These precious lives – meant to hold for only a moment
And I am filled to overflowing with the joy of my life.

I wondered so long about my life’s purpose
Until the day I held my first child and knew
The course of my life had changed
As I began this journey of motherhood

The journey as beautiful as the destination
And though sometimes the road was filled
With twists and turns I never expected
I know the plan was set before me

And going the road alone has its challenges
But they are not outweighed by the indescribable joy
The gift of creating foundation and establishing roots
And partnering with a God who never, ever leaves

Learning when to hold on and when to let go
When to impart truth and when to keep silent
Knowing that being on my knees in prayer
As important as telling my own story

Even now, when I look in their eyes
I know them deep into their souls
Everything else falls away
But this unconditional, unmovable, unshakable love

Thank you for the profound privilege, God of my life
For the gifts of these miracles you’ve let me borrow
And for, along the way, making my life deeper and richer
Than I ever could have been had I not received these blessings.

Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Happy Mother's Day!

REMAINING IN HIM

You don’t allow me to stay stuck very long
Tears stream down my face when I realize
How hard I am just trying to hold in all together
For the benefit of everyone else.

And then I sit here in the dark
In the silence
And feel your presence
Enveloping my soul.

Always in your presence
But especially in pain
I feel the gateway to comfort
Slowly, quietly like a whisper, You come.

No matter the circumstance
I feel your love covering me
With an intensity that won’t let me go.

Sometimes I can only whisper the prayers
And sometimes they don’t come at all
But still, I come, because I know I’ll find you
I seek, because I know I find
All that I need

I am certain through this life of faith
That through perseverance
I have more of an ability to endure

Because you never leave.

Whether I am tasting a cup of sorrow
Or drinking with vitality your joy
You have taught me so well
To remain in you.

Through every assurance and failure
Through every sin and triumph
Through every twist in the road
Through every straight highway

All of it ends at the same place
All of it, every moment, every breath
Leads me back to you.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:5

Wounded Souls

This morning my ex-father-in-law went home to be with the Lord. Finally, he will be in peace and reunited with his wife and other family members.

The first poem I ever had published was based on an experience with him. Before he died, he agreed to have me post the poem here.

Rest in peace, I'll see you again!

WOUNDED SOULS

I wonder how long we walk through life

Until we understand that everyone has a story?

So quick to judge when someone hurts us--

When someone lashes out, we struggle with our reactions

A friend told me once that, "Hurt people, hurt people"

And I know this to be true.

I guess until we examine the wound

Within every soul, we really don't know.

Those who suffer abuse or live with pain

Those who are belittled and humiliated

Those who are bullied and broken

All because a wounded soul, wounded them.

But how long must the cycle continue?

Someone is hurt, so they have the right to hurt you?

There are so many people that suffer

Abandonment and rejection and shame

Wounded souls crying out in the night

So I think we have an obligation, really

To learn about each other's stories

To be patient with each other's pain

My wound is not your wound

But because I have suffered wounds of my own

I need to understand what lies deep within you

May not be so different from what I have felt

Never, ever having to accept abuse or injustice

Rather, standing up with courage in the face of wrong

But still, keeping compassion within my own heart

To understand your story that unfolds bit by bit before me

To understand that your dreams may be long gone

That tragedy may have affected you or someone you love

Or maybe you didn't have the privilege of knowing real love

And disappointment and hurt have followed your heart around

I suppose we can all take part in wounding each other's fragile souls

Of feeding the darkness and the pain--

But it seems if we are called to walk in the light

To offer signs of hope and love and forgiveness

We need to find a way to be the instrument of peace

And help to heal each wounded soul.

He Is Not Here!

He Is Not Here!

He Was Raised,

Just as He Said.

From darkness and pain

To the brilliance of resurrection

Despair to triumphant hope!

The tomb is empty

Christ Has Risen!

What glory there is in this message.

There is depth and beauty

To this unfathomable mystery

By grace, God still blesses this world

Making us new creations every day.

He enters our lives again and again

Sometimes in the most unlikely of circumstances

Sometimes in the most unusual ways.

Jesus is seeking us

Desiring to quench our thirst 

Longing to fill our hunger

And draw us closely to Him

In the most intimate of relationships.

Life-Changing

Life-Saving

Life-Giving Savior

Dying to see me free

Rising to conquer death

And to live inside of me joyously.

The Easter message leaves me with incredible joy

And renews a jubilant hope that transform my life

Through suffering, pain, difficulty I have pondered the cross

And I know I am forever changed.  

The beauty of the cross

The realization of the great pain endured

The deep measure of the sacrifice given

And the glory of the empty tomb

Leaves me with hope that is unmeasurable.

All is well.

Jesus is risen.

Love is victorious.

The Cross Changes Everything

When my son was in middle school, one of the many angels God brought in our life was Mr. B.  He connected in a way with Kevin, that he still remembers now.  Mr. B (or Tom) could relate to Kevin, because he saw himself in Kevin when he was growing up.  I am so grateful, even now, because Mr. B (Tom) was such an incredible example of Christ and he reached out to my son, spending time with him, listening to him and building him up in a beautiful way.  He lived (and still lives) his faith and his character shines through.  He would show up for his baseball games, and later in high school, his football games.  He was an encourager of Kevin's life, and of His faith.  During Lent one year, they spent time at Tom's together building a cross used for a Lenten program we were having at church.  Everyone at the program took a nail and drove it into the cross, signifying our own part in nailing Jesus to the cross.  That cross still sits in the boys' bedroom, and is a strong remembrance and a central point of our understanding and center of our Christian faith.  And a personal reminder of indescribable love.

A favorite hymn of mine is "When I Survey the Wondrous Cross"...the music and words so speak so strongly and are such a clear reminder of the center of my faith...Jesus Christ.

WHEN I SURVEY THE WONDROUS CROSS

by Isaac Watts

When I survey the wondrous cross

On which the prince of glory died

My richest gain I count but loss

And pour contempt on all my pride

Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast

Save in the death of Christ my God

All the vain things that charm me most

I sacrifice them to his blood

See from his head, his hands, his feet

Sorrow and love flow mingled down

Did ever such love and sorrow meet

Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

Were the whole realm of nature mine

That were a present far too small

Love so amazing, so divine

Demands my soul, my life, my all 

I have always loved the words of this precious hymn of my faith..."sorrow and love flow mingled down"...and "Love so amazing, so diviine, Demands my soul, my life, my all."  Speaking of His impending death on that cross, Jesus says:  "I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all men to Myself."  (John 12:32).  The central core of our faith--the only Son of God allowing Himself to be tortured on a cross for us.  For you.  For me.   For all.  

Christ died for our sins--all of our sons...no matter how great, or how small.  This love is so deep, so beyond anything I can comprehend, so much deeper than any other love I can ever receive.  When I think of the cross...that all ground is equal at the foot of the cross or that the only way to respond to my trials is to leave them there...at the foot of the cross, I am overwhelmed.   The knowledge that all of my faith, all of my life is centered there...at the cross of Jesus Christ.

There is no way, when I truly understand that kind of love and forgiveness that was given so that I may be free, that I can mutter anything but:  I need you Jesus.

NIGHT OF DARKNESS

The night of darkness

Washing the disciples’ feet

With total humility and love--

Beginning of the journey

Leading to the cross.

The bread, the cup

Offered in the Upper Room

"This is my body, broken for you.

This is my blood, poured out for you.

Do this in remembrance of me."

The blessing.

 

Jesus, praying alone in the garden

“Can this cup pass from me?”

“But Your will, not mine be done.”

They could not keep watch.

Disciples in the valley of despair.

 

Each one falling away one at a time

Betrayed by the kiss of a friend

Denied by Peter, the Rock

Turning away.

Falling away.

Departing.

Alone.