Making Space

"In the same manner in which we clean and prepare our homes in the anticipation of welcomed guests and family members this Christmas season, let us also prepare our hearts in anticipation of the Lord coming. Christ, our most honored and eagerly anticipated guest, desires to meet with us in a heart prepared for his arrival. So eager is he to meet with us that he offers to help us with our spiritual housecleaning, working with us; creating a resting place for Himself within our hearts." --Katherine Walden, I Lift My Eyes Ministries

I've been thinking so much in Advent about making space, making room for Jesus in a new way into my heart. Someone I was discussing this with asked me, "But don't you have it figured out? You've been a Christian for a long time. Don't you just do the same thing every Advent?" The question haunted me.

Of course we all have traditions in our communities, churches and homes that are part of the beauty and wonder of the Christmas season. But the seasons of Advent and also of Lent are so meaningful to me in my Christian life I the way I prepare my heart. I think from the time I was a little girl and we lit the Advent wreath, read scripture and prayed, I knew it was a very special time. Looking back now I see the reverence of the moment, the quiet space we created to worship. As I grew in my faith I realized, for me, I found that finding God in the silence to renew my soul, to gain greater perspective, to experience Advent in a new way became an important part of my faith life.

I think the yearning in my heart to receive Jesus in a new way is a refreshing thought. But the yearning doesn't mean much if there is no action attached. As I experience Advent fully, I think deeply about the journey...not just the destination. I love the thought of reflecting, preparing, expecting, anticipating the joy of the greatest gift ever given...yet again. Because I'm not who I was even last year on my faith journey. The joys and challenges of each year bring greater depth in my faith walk and I am so grateful, to approach this season with new eyes of faith.

My boys and I recently moved to a new home and we had some trouble finding a space that seemed right for our Christmas tree. We talked through moving furniture, squeezing it in a tiny place, what size it should be to fit. Finally, we decided, even if it looked strange, we wanted it in front of the balcony doors so its light could illuminate into the night. I wondered if we had been talking about the Christmas tree, or the need for something else--the need to let light within each of us shine in a different, new way. So that perspective helped me to look everywhere for light.

I've been noticing more about about space as I thought of this topic during Advent. As I took a walk in the park on a cold December morning, I felt alive with all the space God has created in the woods, in each plant that has broken forth from the earth, in the majestic arms of branches of the oaks, in the rapidly flowing stream and in the vastness of the sky. I thought of a mind's eye photo in my memory of walking up from the creek on our farm and seeing the entire meadow covered with glistening snow and the sun setting so brilliantly. All the space He has made for us to live, and move and have our being. And now I ponder the way I can make space in my own life.

Am I so caught up in the preparations of a meal, for instance, that I hurry along my son as he tells me about his day? Or, am I willing to stop, to listen to even what he is not saying? Do I notice the glimmer in the eyes of the children at a recent community choir concert? Do I see their innocence, their delight? Do I take the time to sit with a friend in need and offer encouragement, instead of rushing out to buy the final presents. Am I learning to listen--both to the movements of God in my own life and to the very deep soul-talk of others? Have I learned to be alone and treasure my time with God in the Word, in prayer, in meditation? Am I ready to leave old habits behind, and move forward as God draws me? Am I willing to wait patiently when I don't have a answer, or the answer is "not yet"? And am I willing to strip away my own masks to reveal the authentic, nicked up, wounded, but ever healing soul that resides in me. And am I willing to open my heart fully, instead of hiding away?

When I think about making space this Advent season, what am I making room for? And I know the answer. I'm constantly called to make room for love. For God's love. For the greatest gift of love ever. It means entering spaces I might not have dared to go before, but with this knowledge that God shines so brightly.

We just need to begin making spaces, I think. And to never stop. Reflecting, then carving out those places in our lives that need more of Him. Those spaces are everywhere. Making space feels very much like finding ourselves loved. And in that space, there is a light shining...as we make our way to Bethlehem.

Preparing

Come into view...into being

Advent arrives

In the seeking, the preparing, the waiting

Here I am anxious to go full throttle

Into the Christmas season with all its excitement

Already almost too busy to notice the reality I need most:

The time of waiting, of expecting, of hoping is necessary

Sometimes so encumbered by the "doing", I forget the "being"

Lists to make, gifts to buy, decorations to hang, friends to gather

But instead the still, small voice whispers, stirring in my heart

Until I stop, look and listen...I cannot possibly accept the gift

Be Still My Soul! Slow me down, to see and hear and respond

Prepare my heart, unchain all that holds me from seeing with eyes of faith

My Spirit needs to welcome a Savior

I want to journey to the manger, to Bethlehem, to the miracle

Let me accept your solace, Your peace

Give me joy in the smallest wonder

Waiting and seeking

Expecting and hoping

Anticipating and accepting

When I am expecting and hoping

Prepare Me.

Forget Not All His Benefits

Bless the Lord, O my soul; and all that is within me, bless His Holy Name! Bless the Lord, O my soul and forget not all his benefits. Psalm 103:2

I love the gratitude and wonder that comes across in David's words. Remember His benefits. Speak of His greatness. Tell of the wonder of God! As the Psalm continues we find David not only singing God's praise, but calling on all of creation to join in honoring God.

Bless the Lord, O you His angels, you might ones who do His word, hearkening to the voice of His word! Bless the Lord all His hosts, His ministers that do His will! Bless the Lord all His works, in all places of dominion. Bless the Lord, O my soul!

I love this worship that comes deep from the soul. I love singing at the top of my lungs, surrendering all of myself in Worship to the Creator, Maker, Sustainer, Savior, Redeemer of my life. Praising the one who rules over all--who is steadfast, everlasting and majestic. The gratitude that wells up in my soul just naturally needs to turn into purest praise.

Thanksgiving, followed so closely by Advent, reminds me of all the blessings that God abundantly pours out. Having a heart of gratitude helps us see God's amazing handiwork in creation of the universe, of the world, of the open skies and the vast seas, of the tallest mountain and deepest valley. It reminds us to rejoice in God's rainbow of children, to be awakened to God's everywhere, in every moment, in a stranger, in a neighbor, in our own backyard and own circumstance. I love when Paul talks about "overflowing with gratitude" -- what a joyous place to be. When someone has a truly thankful and joyful heart, we are drawn to them and their whole being -- their contagious joy, their wide smile, their encompassing exuberance. When we walk with a constant "attitude of gratitude" we can see things differently. Some things that we might naturally choose to be judgmental or negative about, we can look through eyes of faith and a heart overflowing with gratitude.

In the beginning of my journey through my separation and divorce, I began journaling. During that difficult time, I remember hearing about writing down five things everyday for which I was grateful. In those beginning days it was a difficult struggle: "Thank you for helping me get out of bed in spite of my grief." "I am grateful for my sisters helping me get through this." "I am grateful my children did not cry themselves to sleep last night." "I am grateful for living through our first Christmas where I had to leave the boys off to share time with their Dad, when all I want is my family back again." But reading over those journals is so cathartic as I see the path through my ever-growing faith walk. Over time, I reflect on a deeper heart of gratitude that God allowed through a deeper walk and joy found only in Him. "I am grateful for the God who never leaves me." "I am grateful that God has put people in my life that point me to His glory." "I am grateful that I desire to never forget all His benefits."

There are so many things I am grateful for: My God who never leaves me, my children who have been my life's purpose, my family who have been the wind beneath my wings, my faith that sustains me, my church where my faith is continually challenged, nurtured and stretched to new levels, my friends that have loved me through joys and sorrows, my home where I find peace, my job which has taught me strength and given me perspective, my writing life which gives me a chance to express my heart and faith. As I reflect on this list, I am reminded of this litany of "my's". It makes me smile at the truth: none of these precious blessings are mine, but treasures given from the amazing God that never leaves us.

Henri Nouwen, a great Christian writer I admire says: "Gratitude goes beyond the "mine" and "thine" and claims the truth that ll of life is a pure gift. In the past I always thought of gratitude as a spontaneous response to the awareness of gifts received, but now I realize that gratitude can also be lived as a discipline. The discipline of gratitude is the explicit effort to acknowledge that all I am and have is a given as a gift of love, a gift to be celebrated with joy."

Remember His benefits! Speak of greatness.

May each of our hearts as we enter this Advent season know the joy of hearts "overflowing with gratitude."

I am humbled and just beginning to understand deeply in my soul the depth of gratitude and grace which I experience with every breath.

Seeking Freedom

One step forward, two steps back

Why do I land in the same place I started?

Striving, journeying, reaching

Then like stepping on a slippery rock

I am back here again, Lord

Consumed sometimes by what holds me--

Caught in busyness and petty things that don't matter.

Held back by difficult choices, expended by discontent

Trapped by bitterness or resentment I still hold instead of releasing

Still, after all this time, that seed of unworthiness

Rears its ugly head as if I've never grown past the wounds

And, yet, they are just seeds that need to be surrendered

To the deeper faith that shines, even if only a glimmer at times

The perfect love I've accepted from You drives out fear

Teach me to live what I know firmly, but cannot see

And to sit patiently in that abiding faith with great trust

Because I know you hold my hand and hold me up

I am nothing without You, and I am reminded

True freedom can only come through you

Your faithfulness, like a soothing spring rain

Renewing and refreshing my soul

Ever deepening my resolve to honor you:

Loving unconditionally

Forgiving completely

Remembering wholly

The gift of the cross

Still on the journey

And grateful to belong to You

Finding what I seek:

Freedom.

The Welcome Rain

I welcome the rain, as a source of refreshment, God's presence

And memories of being a little girl on the farm invade my thoughts now

I recall running waiting at the porch door, being given the go-ahead to play

Splashing in puddles with my sisters, I can still hear the sounds--

Exquisite squeals of delight would abound and connect us

Even in something so simple.

I remember looking up to the heavens and thanking God for this miracle

Being awestruck by all God's mystery in the wonder of nature

The rain washes and cleanses, just as God's amazing love wraps us

Pouring out so abundantly and giving me new perspective on the clouds

My analogies of the storm in my life seem renewed by each fresh raindrop

The rain turning into a fierce storm can create havoc and shake us

Yet the gentle rain is a beautiful reminder of God's washing us, renewing us

I love to hear the rain on the roof, the rain as it hits my flowers that drink it in

But I am reminded how I need your grace God, washing me and giving me

Fresh eyes to see, a renewed heart to open, sensitve ears to hear

The cries and joys all mixed together in the healing rain

And then I see it on the horizon, brightening the sky

The rainbow of promise.

REAL FAMILIES

Our team loves your style of writing and how you quickly tie in the spiritual to the story you are telling. Unfortunately, we are looking for stories about "real families" -- meaning families that have not experienced divorce. We aren't at this time interested in stories about single parent families, since we encourage the sanctity of marriage.

This is part of a letter I received this week, as I've begun to more earnestly submit my writing for publication. As I read the first line I was excited: "Cool, they like my writing!" Then as I read on, I felt like a brick was hurled at me full-force and words of the moment felt soul-crushing.

The Sanctity of Marriage

As I've thought through and prayed through this unexpected letter and it's strong message, there were perspectives that I felt needed to be expressed, not defensively, but from the perspective of this single mom.

I'm going to start at the end: We encourage the sanctity of marriage. "Me too! Me too!" I wanted to scream. I've thought about my experience a few times of thoughtless people who would say things like: "You're divorced, you don't care about marriage." Or "You're lucky, you got rid of your husband." I remember those stinging words, and at the time, I wasn't quick enough to respond, but I've really thought about the subject. But being divorced doesn't mean I don't believe in marriage, or honor it deeply. In fact, the loss of my marriage remains the biggest hole in my heart. Well, probably larger is the loss my children have felt through divorce. But the breaking of vows, the devastation that divorce brings, isn't something I recommend!

The care and love, the commitment and honor, the respect and dignity of a healthy marriage are things I still long for deeply. I also believe that I make a concerted effort to encourage my friends and family in their own marriages. What a beautiful gift from God that bond is! I love attending a wedding and hearing the words: "What God has joined together, let no one separate." I am grateful to be part of a family (I'm one of five children), with two parents ready to celebrate their 55th wedding anniversary in a few weeks. My parents' love for each other through every joy and sorrow in life is an absolute beautiful gift. I feel blessed that my brother and sisters each chose a mate that honors their marriage, that shows love and compassion and unions that are Christ-centered. I'm grateful for all my friends that have strong marriages that are God-honoring and a foundation of joy. And I'm not viewing it through rose-colored glasses. I understand full-well the give and take, the "I better hold my tongue", the "will we ever be out of this valley", the sacrifices, the "speaking the truth in love" moments, the hard work a good marriage takes. But, with all my heart I honor marriage.

Real Families

Early on in our divorce I remember a specific moment that changed my perspective. My children who were probably 8 and 5 were spending the night with their father. My oldest son forgot something he needed for school and I had gone to their father and step mother's home to drop it off. As I walked up on the porch I the door was open and I could see they were all sitting down for dinner: Their dad, step-mom, my children and their step-brother. As I gazed on the scene as an outsider, it was like I was looking in on a perfect family. How my heart sunk--looking in on the laughter, teasing, enjoying the meal. "The perfect looking family, " I thought. I began to think about what God thought when he looked in on my family. It surely wasn't perfect looking (and of course, the reality is that looks are deceiving).

I began to realize that even if I perceived we were "broken", through God's amazing grace my sons and I were building something together that was a foundation honest and real and truthful. And with God at the center, I knew the family we experienced--even if it didn't look like to the outside world--was as authentic as it could be. I won't tell you that being a single parent was easy -- it was and is the most challenging job I've ever had. But, it is also the most rewarding and the most precious gift.

And that night, God showed me He would be my partner in our circumstance, and He has never, never, never disappointed me. During this time one of the best books I read was called, "Breaking and Mending" by Mary Lou Redding. In it, she described memorizing Paul's letters, so I decided to begin journaling on the letter of Colossians. I began to know in a very, very deep way as I meditated and prayed, that the only way I was truly complete, was in Christ. Nothing else I was defining myself by: being a wife, a mother, a worker, a friend, a sister, a daughter--would give me the completion within myself I desired. Christ alone was what I needed. I remember the opening of heart and flood of tears when I finally grasped that knowledge.

What a an honor and blessing that God has given me so many people on this journey of life. But it is not my roles or relationships that define me. My identity in Christ is the only identity that is completely secure, the identity that can never be taken from us, and it is the source of our wholeness. It is a journey and I'm still traveling the path. But by God's grace, I am confident I am "in Christ" and that's where I find my worth. And, I am bathed in God's amazing grace, I am certain I am living a life that is truly authentic. And when I recall all the the brokenness of the past, I can also see the beauty of all the love and forgiveness woven into our lives. In my view, that makes all of our lives pretty real.

Ever since I began the journey of being a single parent, God has put people in my life who have experienced what the same road, or similar. They were gifts to me on the journey and provided me a soundingboard, deep spiritual friendships and practical support. God has continued that this past year as I was part of a leading a single moms group. There were women who had adopted children, women going through divorce (at all stages of the grief process). All the women that I have known, as they shared their stories, have given me such fortitude and hope. And I do believe that being a single parent takes a great deal of courage and strength. I also believe that, for me, I know that kind of strength is not my own, but comes from a loving God, who pours out His amazing grace on us. He takes us from the darkness to the light to become His lights. That is about as real as it gets.

The Doll House

A replica of our own farm house

Built so carefully and lovingly

By my father when we were young

A mind's eye view into the wonder

That was part of my precious childhood

It was life-size and plenty big for all of us

To play and create and plan and dream

I can smell the smells of the lilac outside the door

And hear the voices of my sisters and I playing there

Encountering elation and bliss in each moment

As we directed and played and became

Nurturing our dolls tenderly there

And setting the table carefully

Eating treasures from the vegetable garden

Imagining, conceiving, creating, envisioning

Unaware we were also nurturing each other's souls

Filled with each scenaios our inventive, artistic minds would hold

Taking walks to the creek to pick delicate Queen Anne's Lace

And dye them beautiful colors of violet and pink and yellow

To decorate our tiny home away from home

Cultivating, encouraging, developing deeper things

It was magical, enchanting special place--

Set on the bigger backdrop of the farm that we all loved--

With its mystery and beauty in the expansive fields

The escapades to the creek, the luscious gardens and green grass

Even now I am in awe of the beauty, the gift, the journey

All the dreams captured

All the hearts filled

All the twinkling eyes

All the promises

All the possibilities

All the precious wonder...

Brought to life in the Doll House