Eyes of Faith

Holding On, Letting Go

2011-08-05T09:38:00.002-04:00

Every year on vacation with my family
It seems there is one perfect day
Where both my parents are able
To come to the beach and enjoy the day

There is such depth and meaning
For all their children and grandchildren
Knowing this is the place that we've shared
So many amazing memories with them

My mother sits in a chair
At the water's edge
And my father -- at 85 now
Makes his way down the beach

He grabs for my sister's hand and for mine
And I am taken back to the strength
Of feeling my tiny little girl's hand within his
I still feel it -- strong yet gentle in the way he grasps

As we reach the ocean he reaches for my boys
And they anchor him to stand in the waves
I cannot help but realize what an anchor in life he is
To them, and to all of us...the anchor that remains strong

Before you know it a large wave comes and my father lets go
And begins diving into the waves as he has as long as I've known him
How relished the hours of jumping waves with him and how his presence
Has made such a difference in my life...his strong, tender presence

My sisters guide my mother and other grandchildren are around
All of us filled with the joy of the moment--of sharing this together
Of my father's sparkling eyes, of my mother's full smile and laughter
All of us knowing that every moment is precious and this one especially

I think of all we have been through, of all we've been taught about family
About sacrifice, about respect, about dignity, about faith and mostly about love
And I sense how this moment is a jewel in a lifetime of love that will stay with each one
As we recall the holding on and the letting go and everything in between.

Uncovering Spring

2011-03-17T12:41:00.002-04:00

The remnants of winter still are evident--
The leafless or crunchy leaves on the trees
The hard and brittle ground once frozen
The closed doors of homes still hibernating

But the winter gives way to the impending spring
The birds are chirping on this day where sunshine warms
And the sky's sunlight seems so brilliant as I squint to see
And hear children's laughter waft through the air

Such a reminder of this time of Lent--
The preparation that it takes to move
From the winter of our souls to feel spring within
To unleash parts of our hearts held in pain or sin

To walk the journey of the cross of sacrifice
To the freedom of resurrection and new life
This day is my reminder to move, to act, to pray
To prepare all that is inside as outside we look to newness

The brittle, the broken, the torn away, the crumpled up
Is given new bloom, new life, new mending,
New healing and new perspective for living
The old is gone, behold the new has come.

Welcome Spring.

Seeking You, Finding You

2011-03-14T12:35:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I strive so hard to seek you
And other times I fall away so easily
Needing reminders that you are my center
Seeking you in all the ways I can. Let me be open.

To seeking you and finding you in the silent night
In the solitude of the raindrops on my roof
Or a quiet walk with the sun coming up over the lake
Inviting you in again to stay with me. Let me receive.

I must search for the sacred spaces sometimes
And quiet my mind and soul to do the reflective work
So that as I seek you and find you on this Lenten journey
Searching becomes my passion that spills over. Let me explore.

Divine presence, in the holy darkness or the brilliant light
You are the one who draws me to you in a way that is authentic
Creating the rhythm of my soul and allowing me to examine
Finding all the ways that lead me further in love with you. Change my heart.

Empty me of all that does not worship
Fill me with the passionate love
Hungering soul that needs your food
Thirsting in the desert that needs quenching
Satisfying the longing and the yearning
Stretch me, open me, allow me, mold me, use me
All for your glory.

A Lenten Pondering

2011-03-11T23:14:00.004-05:00

Do I look for the signs?
The signs of hope,
The gifts of compassion
Do I uncover and expose as I should?

For Lent is a time of renewing and restoring,
What have I lost and what needs to be found?
How can I be one who is actively seeking and pursuing
As we begin the journey, the path to the Cross.

Is my Spirit open, my heart free?
Am I able to give, as well as ready and open to receive?
Can I look deep enough inside, to release my soul
To do the work that needs to be done to go deeper?

Are there parts of my heart that hardened and need softening?
Are there acts of compassion that require my stepping out from the safe coccoon?
Or are there indifferences I let seep into my soul and sit there awhile?
Or do I choose to grumble and complain instead of being part of the solution and the change?

The questions haunt me and cause me to wonder
As I sit in the holy darkness and move through
I am taken by the stillness and solitude God calls me to
He is breathing Hope into life, into the world

Revealing fresh possibility even in the dimess of this moment
For I need to look truthfully and uncover and undo and unearth
I am held by the deepness of being transformed and moved
Reveal. Restore. Renew. Refresh.

Walk with me Lord, Lead me to the Cross.

Dawn of a New Day

2011-01-01T08:57:00.004-05:00

The longs streaks of sun reach down through the trees
Causing their own shadows but brightening the blue sky
The new day has dawned, and a new year awaits
A sparkling new slate of possibility and wonder

We take stock over what has been
We remember that difficult times
And we recognize our weaknesses
That gave way to strengths

We look at the way we have accomplishes
And we acknowledge mistakes we have made
We strive with obedience moving in the same direction
To be better and more than we were

We long for the fruits of the spirit to be whole within us:
Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness
Desiring to listen more, talk less
Bringing light into the dark places of the world

Paying attention to all that is around us:
Not going through our life with blinders on
But opening ourselves to everyday moments
Because everything matters and everything belongs

There are hopes and dreams within us
To be expressed and renewed and realized
And there dreams of our Creator and Redeemer
That will take hold in each Spirit

What hope lies within in us
As we strive to remember what matters
And put the unnecessary, petty thoughts aside
To work together for a greater good

For every moment, may we press forward
With joy, and longing and truth.
To be more than we were, with deeper understanding
Living for the One we belong to.

Encircled

2010-12-14T08:29:00.002-05:00

I am encircled with just the glimmer of the early morning light

As I push back the curtains and see the hue of the sunlight stream

For mostly it is still dark, even the stars still twinkle in a shadowy sky

I am encircled in the still-dark of the morning

As if an invitation of the new day, an offering to draw me in

I enter the quiet. Bathe in it. Listen to it. Embrace the solace.

Encircled and called to let go over everything, everyone

But One. The Holy One. Called into Holy Presence in this moment.

Somehow in this silence, this stillness, I sense the harmony of grace

Discord and dissonance does not play into the melody at all

I sense I am touching the sacredness and character of God

And my soul softens as I encounter the One who never leaves.

For it is not just on the mountaintop, with joyful triumph

But in these ordinary, quiet, tranquil moments that you call me

Let me listen. Let me respond to the whispers deep in my soul.

Come. Encircle. Encounter. Transform.

Listening With "Ears of the Heart"

2010-12-12T16:42:00.002-05:00

I am in tune to both the silence and the clamor
Of the season...I hear so many sounds
Some so pleasing...the sounds of an angelic choir
The glee of childrens' excitement

Or the patience that wears thin
Or the canned music in a department store
But yet, there are the gentle words
Of a Christmas pageant,
"For unto us is born..."

I hear so much, yet I ponder now
In this season of Advent and preparation
How well I listen...am I tuned into the soul of a person?
For it is in listening with the ears of the heart than God moves me

For I can hear noises enveloping me
But when I listen, at this time
With intention, with purpose, with openness
I am more awake, and alive and alert to this world

To the cries of the hearts around
To the wanderings of my own soul
I know longer just hear sounds
But in listening with my heart
I am changed, I am moved, I am transformed

Because there is a place of brokenness and deep need
Where my listening and understanding are needed
To move to be Jesus' hands and feet and heart on earth
For the sounds aren't meant to be loud, clashing noise

But instead, hearts and souls working to reach out in love
Listening deeply to both deep joy and painful struggle
To learn to live with hands open, and feet willing to act
For by listening, there is a chance for harmony.

And by listening
We can welcome in a new way
The Prince of Peace
To change our hearts
And transform the world.

Emmanuel

2010-12-06T16:36:00.003-05:00

God with us, Emmanuel,
Help me center in this time of Advent
Wait. Expect. Hope. Prepare.
The waiting has always been so hard
With a heart that needs to practice patience
But in the waiting, in the solace, I enter Holy Presence.

When I can put the busyness of thoughts
The distractions of readying the outside
And turn my thoughts to the inside
I begin to see what joyful expectation looks like.

I desire to be present with you
O God, who is always present with me
I desire to be faithful to you
O God, who is always faithful to me
I see the glow of the manager ahead
And I am content with this moment
This hopeful anticipation.

Help me to surrender all my cluttered thoughts
That dim the clear view of your light
That I wish for, hope for, long for
In this season of waiting, of preparing
Of examining my heart and seeing
What lies there that needs restoring

Be Still, My Soul
Let me really listen
Let me really hear
The joyful expressions
And the painful cries
That envelop strangers and friends
Because I know you present everywhere
In everyone

There are still, small voices
Whispers within that call me
Into this Holy Presence
This time of both mystery and wonder.

Let me hear. Let me listen.
Let me respond. Let me praise.

Prepare me for the journey to
the Prince of Peace.

APPROACHING ADVENT...

2010-11-29T13:29:00.007-05:00

I wonder sometimes in my rush to get to the manger—

The joy of the most awesome gift ever given

If I miss all that the season of Advent brings

It’s not time for the gift yet – or the glory of it

In the rush to get all the outside preparations in order:

Gifts to buy, new recipes to make, decorations to hang

It causes me to ponder, to reflect on the way I approach Advent

Do I enter the throne of grace with a renewed, a restored heart?

Or do I allow the clutter of the season

The chaos of racing about and crossing everything off the list

Take first place to the deep soul work that is required

To receive God’s new mercies everyday

And I think that is the point: Am I ready to receive?

Am I making space on the inside?

Is this hunger inside me for the King of Kings,

The Prince of Peace, the Savior that I long for?

Or do all the worldly traps enamor me more?

It causes me to think deeply about God's call on my life.

In this season of waiting and preparing

Am I living in hopeful anticipation?

Am I living in generous, fervent love?

Am I living in joyful expectancy?

Am I practicing the promise of peace?

For the One that I long for is coming.

Am I ready to make room?

2010-11-23T14:13:00.008-05:00

“In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God concerning you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Everyday Gratitude

I have wondered what living a life of gratitude looks like

I have strived, but I have stumbled and fallen, at times

I want to live so every breath is a gift back to God

For his mercies are new every morning

And want to live life in ways that screams out:

“Forget Not All His Benefits”

It is harder, to find the grateful center in your soul

When you are living through struggles or concerns

And yet, that is where I see God shine through

For it is in the darkness that the light seems to shine so brilliantly

Finding blessings in the storms

Is a gift I feel God has given so abundantly

At every turn in the road, every trial

I see clearly the abundant life God is giving in every moment

Being awake to God’s presence and listening for His voice

Learning like a baby taking it’s first steps to lean and trust

And to truly see every breath, every moment as a gift

Looking at God through eyes of faith

Means tasting the love of God in prayer and presence

And in the inner life finding such joyful surprises.

There are fruits that are blossoming and blooming

There are perspectives that are changing, lives being transformed

There is healing and wholeness

There are dreams that are rehaped and refreshed

And a chance to receive and accept and love what is here

Not what will be in the future

But the gifts of right here, right now.

Somehow God has changed within me gratitude—

Taken the act of not just the spontaneous “thank you” for a gift given

But an attitude of gratitude that is essential to life

Because I am wrapped in His faithfulness that never departs

That is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow

“Thou changest not thy compassions they fail not

Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto Thee.”

Pressing Forward

2010-11-12T10:47:00.000-05:00

I can see now

I can look within

And no longer be startled

But what is alive within me

I can see the blemishes

And the mistakes

The choices and imperfection

And allow acceptance

For failing gives way to

Newness and fresh perspective

That I had not yet discovered

And it helps me to press forward

I am learning how to receive

As a blessing

To let walls and preconceptions

Not define me

But instead accept

And receive

Understand and persevere

I am evolving

In the way God has planned

It is not my timetable, but His

And every moment, experience, breath

All belongs to Him

No need to manipulate

The timetable

To insist on my way

Instead, embracing

The creation, the sustaining,

The life-changing and the ordinary

I see my humanness

And His perfection

My incompleteness

And His all-encompassing love

Even the unwelcome

Or unwanted circumstances

I can receive

For in the mystery, in the unknown

Is the God who never leaves

And is carefully knitting

The tapestry together

The ideal, the seamless

Always out of reach,

But what is authentic

What is true

Is revealed in the here and now,

In the ordinary, the everyday.

I do not wait for the

Flaws, the chips, the pieces

To be healed and whole

I just take one step at a time.

Pressing forward.

Learning. Growing.

Loving. Accepting.

Trusting.

Finally, trusting.

Parenting Teenagers: One Single Mom's Perspective

2010-09-01T14:07:00.002-04:00

There is such blessing in the gift of being a single parent. And parenting teenagers has taught me so many things about life and myself.

A very wise friend who had journeyed through the experience earlier than I did, taught me so much and one of her deepest learnings was that in the teen years, it is much more about the parent changing, than the child. They are right where they are supposed to be. It's truly your response, your judgements, your perspectives that make the difference in managing through in a healthy way that leads to greater understanding.

Our life in these years has not been without chaos, trial, tears and triumphs. But isn't that life? The pushing, and pulling. The testing of my own faith and the development of theirs. Their doubts coming out loudly and ferociously sometimes, yet their faith forming quietly within them. Their testing of the rules, their testing of my heart, their testing of my devotion. I'm used to being questioned about my values now, because I understand their character is being formed. And it also gives a unique chance to rethink, retool, reevaluate many of my own life's lessons.

A friend of mine at work is one of the finest people I know. And as I learn and grow in my faith life, I realize that when the character of a person shines through, I am so drawn to see and relate and applaud and encourage. I'm in awe when I see a person who is so accomplished, yet who never once forgets to say thank you. As he has shared with me the joys of his life and his work, he has expressed over and over the greatest meaning in his life-- his incredible wife and beautiful daughters. And constantly I see him in awe of these precious children, really understanding how they change him, how their innocence and beauty cuts to his very heart and makes his life so worthwhile. And I know from our talks that he is so grateful to his parents. He told me once when I was struggling with the relationship my own children have with their father that he wanted be a good a father as his father had been to him. It made realize the foundation that was built in his family of his parents generosity of heart, had a great deal to do with who he is. And I was grateful to live in a family who also formed those important values in me. Foundation. Roots. Solid. Deep.

I try to remember that now when I'm moving closer to the wings, and further from the roots that the depths of the roots are already planted and have taken hold. I know the "wings" scare me a bit. I remember the journey of my own wings, finding my own way. And as I've already learned, nothing is perfect. My perfect dreams I hold for my sons, have already been changed. Not shattered, but changed. There are different paths and different choices, and in some ways that is a beautiful part about parenting. I have never longed for my children to be me. But longed for them to be the person they were created to be. And I have great faith that it will take time getting there, but that, with God's help, they'll get to where they need to be.

But sometimes, even now, I wish I could have put it all in a little box and tied it up with a beautiful bow. But the unraveling of a marriage, the new direction of our life, all of those things created darkness, yet allowed for the beauty of Christ's light to truly shine. The brokenness gave way to truly deep yearnings of my own soul and allowed a place for healing. The difficulty of being a single parent brought as much reward, as challenge. And in all of it, I cannot help but think who I would have been had the storms not come. Would I know as well as I do now the partner in my life, that of this awesome, loving, amazing, Comforter, Redeemer, Savior? Would I have known strength or courage in the same way? Would I have spent countless hours practicing baseball, examining countless ladybugs, becoming a pretty good fisherwoman? Possibly, but not in the same way. You see the struggle brought me to a halt, and it allowed me to reshuffle my priorities, to remember to live in the moment--to catch each tear, every smile, every opportunity to bake, wrestle, walk in the park, through new eyes. The depth I find even now, has something to do with the compassion because of the pain and suffering my family experienced. Truly, I do feel the Spirit's leading me to action more, I've opened my heart in way that amazes even me. So the "box" of our life has been remolded, reshaped, but in many ways restored.

I used to wish my life were different. I wished I had someone here, walking hand in hand with me on this journey. Until I realized, that is what I have. And the God that never leaves me, has blessed my life abundantly. So that even in the struggle of parenting now ... in the in-between place...of childhood and adulthood, I can surrender to the wings--for I want to see and experience the soaring that can occur--and I have great faith in the roots.

And I am reminded that that my life as a single Mom is a great and wonderful blessing.

⁶ "Be strong. Take courage. Don't be intimidated. Don't give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you." Deuteronomy 31.6 (The Message)

2010-06-23T21:20:00.003-04:00

SAFE HARBOR

I love to visit a lighthouse
To see the surroundings
To look out over the water
Where once upon a time
Ships looked to the lighthouse
To find their way on the darkest of night.

I think about the light
That illumines from them
Not a trickle, or a glimmer
But brilliant, guiding light that shines
Not in a soft meek way, like candelight
But with boldness and shine and lustre

A beacon in a dark night
How I would love to play that role
To be the guiding light for all the vessels
Out rolling over the waves of the sea
Trying to find the beacon...
Finding their way to the safe harbor.

I know that is what I've found
This bright beacon that illuminates the night
That calls me home and directs my path
That leads me onward, always by its light.

Why am always looking for what I cannot find?
When the light is burning brightly, showing me the way
The light is calling my name -- I hear it, I see it
A beacon in the night cannot be mistaken.

The beacon that guides me finally
To the safe harbor.

Beacon of Light

2010-06-10T06:50:00.003-04:00

I find there is not enough light

To illumine every place I step

To light the way on the path

That I need to follow.

But there is enough light

Just for this step

Just for this moment

To be left breathless

By God's working,

His awakening me in this way.

I think of a ship on the ocean

And the lighthouse brigtening the way

It is still dark, but ahead there is a glimmer

And then a glow, that seems to call them home

And now I see it everywhere

Because I am alive to it through the Spirit

That moves so deeply I am brimming with hope

For I know the ordinary gives way to extraordinary

A beacon of light shining

Within and lending the light to others

Just for this step, this moment

To be embraced, and changed

The light is like that

The darkness being left behind

The glimmer, the glow, the burning bright

Of the light that is hope

Butterfly with a Broken Wing

2010-04-05T23:31:00.008-04:00

There was day that I found the most amazing butterfly

He had a broken wing and seemed a little bruised

But upon looking much more closely at his colors

Deep below, I found the most beautiful creature

The funny thing was, I think I had a battered wing, too

Wounded by a past of hurts too deep my colors had faded

But finding the butterfly, as if finding the perfect grain of sand

Was more of a gift than I could have imagined in my wildest dreams

Sometimes when you find something, even if for awhile

That seems to be given to you to help you fly again

No words can really express the brilliance of the moment

But you are aware that everything has a place and purpose

Finding the butterfly and being found by the wounded butterfly

Brought deep joy and remembrance of the preciousness of beginnings

Of stories shared, like a meeting of souls and a chance to dream again

But butterflies don't always stay, they are meant to fly

And the butterfly with the broken wing and this butterfly knew

The time would come and even if they soared in separate directions

The gift of finding each other and letting go were equally beautiful

Because there was a love within the seeking, the finding

And of the fluttering and the healing of the wings

That brought them together, but then let them be set free

To always know they were richer, better for the journey

And the broken wings could mend, even if worn

Because love was the center and courage was the release

And it left each of them with brighter colors within

And always when I soar, I can smile and know

Setting the butterfly of each of us free

Also allowed dreams to soar to the heavens

And souls to be changed forever

And be deeply reminded that love still matters.

The promise of new life in the butterfly

Still makes me smile.

Living Hope

2010-04-05T10:50:00.002-04:00

The scent of the fresh spring day lingers
On the eve of Easter morning
I breathe in deeply and I remember
Communion
Betrayal
Denial
Sacrifice
Love
Empty Tomb

Journey to the cross
Lamb of God
Takes away sins of the world
My sin. And yours.
How have I pierced His side?
How does He forgive my indifference?
How do I betray? Deny? Judge?
I am humbled.

Unfathomable love.
Unconditional forgiveness.
Unquestionable grace.
Unbelievable hope.

Your love, so gentle and constant.
This act so selfless and complete.
Yet I look within at how I still hold back
You nudge, you whisper, you wait
Yet in the light of the Ressurection
Everything changes.

Remove what is old and dead in me
Enter my life boldly and in a fresh way
Melt away all that belongs to the past
And make me new in you...striving for the dawn
Leaving the darkness and shadows behind

Just as you called Mary at the tomb
You call my name. You call each one.
Death is overcome. Hope is alive.
How will I practice ressurection?

Parenting Teenagers: A Single Mother's Perspective

2010-03-27T10:45:00.016-04:00

There is such blessing in the gift of being a single parent. And parenting teenagers has taught me so many things about life and myself.

From Winter to Spring

2010-03-24T06:59:00.004-04:00

I wonder in these last wanderings through Lent

As winter turns into spring

And Lent leads to ressurrection

If my heart is ready....

Have I uncovered enough of what my soul contains?

Or is there hurt lingering or anger masked over

Have I opened the wound to reveal the source--

And have I allowed healing instead of a heaping portion of bitterness?

Have I been able to look at my neighbor with new eyes

Do I see the pain that lingers there or do I make judgements--

So that my own guilt can be pushed down and not rear its ugly head

In my own wildnerness time, have I looked plainly and clearly in the mirror?

Uncovering takes courage, but yields new life

Unearthing is hard work but reveals

The depth of the rich soil at the roots

And allows for the new to spring forth vividly

I realize all my best intentions fall short

When don't surrender all my guilt and shame--

When I don't allow the transformation to occur

For I am washed clean by the blood of Christ

I recognize those blossoms and it is a sure sign of hope

Leaving winter behind and surging toward spring

Surrendering all to be changed by the wilderness journey

And walking toward the Cross of Calvary

Broken to Beautiful

2010-02-23T14:12:00.004-05:00

A friend asked me recently

How I made sense of the losses in life

And not to lose faith in spite of them

And I prayed for the discernment to know...

But I'm at the point of my life where I know

That losses bring about just as much depth

And understanding as love and joy

For it is in the letting go that I've discovered

The true sense of myself and where I belong.

For God has taken all the pieces of me...

Sorrows as well as joys, heartache as well as triumphs

And woven them together...just as He knit me together in Creation

So that my life's story could be told and could bring Glory to Him

For losses and griefs may seem overwhelming at times

But they give me a deeper sense of who I am at the core of my soul

And they give me an amazing hope when I realize, once again

That all that is broken--all the wounds, loss and pain--

Have been healed to reveal something deeper, richer, fuller

All that is broken is made beautiful.

For with a heart of faith, there is a glimmering hope that shines

For the gift of learning finally how to let go of what does not belong

And the gift of clinging to the One I do belong to -- completely, wholly

Shows me that all the pieces of brokenness that once were scattered

Are just clinks in the armor of love--wounds that have been restored,

Lessons learned, and faith deepened to overflowing to the God who is my refuge

And strength, the One who already knowsHis plans for me

Who doesn't view me as broken, but as His beautiful Child

The One who satisfies the desires of my heart

The One who forgives the crimson of my guilty stains

The One who has taught me I am no longer unworthy

But a masterpiece He created to be used for His glory.

The One who turns broken into beautiful.

Lenten Journey

2010-02-20T21:49:00.008-05:00

Loosening my grip, releasing

What is not mine anyway

The shadows and mystery begin

Lent quietly enters

On the the journey to the cross.

I can no longer find myself unworthy

For with You, I find myself completely loved

The vivid colors of the gift of life You created

And I cannot deny your precious grace

So in awe of the rythms of life that point to You

When I am open and attentive and responsive

That you weave, bit by bit into the flow of this soul

With understanding and compassion that changes me.

You tenderly call me into your embrace

Whispering, at first, and revealing your presence--

Sometimes as gently as a shooting star in the sky,

Or as boldly as the rough waves crashing in the middle of a storm

At times, in the most ordinary, everyday manner

But other times, in unsual, surprising, even asotnishing ways

Opening the dimness in my vision and uncovering what I don't hear clearly

Drawing me ever closer into the the love story that leads to the cross

But does end there.

Beyond the cross to the empty tomb

And the undeniable hope that you wrap me in

Trusting and following the Faithful One

Into the mystery of your holy sanctuary

Of your extravagant and enduring love.

On Snowy Days Like These

2010-02-06T08:21:00.004-05:00

On snowy days like these

My mind wanders back to my childhood

Of the farm I grew up on and the extensive landscape

A blanket snow falling onto the field beyond the farm

The woods surrounding seeming to call us

For a sled riding adventure or snow fort making

But it was then I realized the gift of snow

Standing in the woods, beyond the laughs and glee

The quietness, the silence, the solace of it all

Snow falling gently or crunching beneath my feet

I love when I am called into the silence

Where I see and hear and feel

Such simple and pure gifts

That point me to the Creator

I am reminded that the busyness of life envelops me sometimes

I go too fast towards things that do not matter,

Instead of enjoying the glimpes, tasting the Living Water

Hearing someone's cry, choosing the light

And I realize I don't want miss the most precious moments

Of a touch, or a smile, or the light in someone's eyes

And somehow this moment reminds of that

Of all I can miss is I don't pay attention

Now, I go out my own door and there is

The smallest patch of woods beyond our front door

And I am called there again, with the beauty of the snowy day

So delicately laced on the bushes and trees

I walk to the center and look up

Remembering the joy of those first snowy days

The pure white, untouched, innocence in the landscape

The whisper of wind that I am sure is calling my name

Here, in this moment, I am so aware, so awakened

I remember and embrace the gift

The glory of the grace that surrounds

And I am so grateful.

Seeking a Sign

2009-12-30T21:22:00.005-05:00

I've been thinking about light in the darkness. I've been experiencing light in the darkness. I think really I was looking for a sign...like the star in the sky that led the Wise Men to find the Baby Jesus. This Christmas season, I was looking for a sign of peace.

I don't know if it's because I have experienced darkness, that maybe I'm more attuned now to finding the light. It might be just a glimmer, a soft glow, a subtle spark, or a bright illuminating light--but all the forms of light shine in the darkness. And I seem to expect the light now. The hope the light signifies. The peace the light brings. Whatever it is, I'm grateful for finding the light, for God opening my eyes to accepting the light.

These last weeks have been filled with unrest for our family, as a loved one faced a serious condition, a fragile procedure, but then a joyous outcome. Last week I heard difficult news from a doctor, And I learned of a tough circumstance at work. Several friends unburdened their hearts of broken relationships and unexpected, even shocking news. Yes, this week I was reminded just how I much I need the Savior that has come.

I remember in the past going through valleys and pain where all I could see was the dark, the night. But now I am leaning and trusting and knowing implicitly that God is alive in the world, in the universe, in my friend's pain, my family's worry.

The thing I realize very clearly as I grow ever deeper in my faith is the eloquence in which God speaks into our lives. Sometimes just a glimmer, sometimes a blinding light. Sometimes the softest whispers in the wind, sometimes a loud proclaiming voice. Sometimes in the touch of a friend, sometimes in the sparkle of my sister's eye. Sometimes in the release of tears, sometimes in the cries of prayers.

I feel the movements in my life of God so deeply. I feel Him showing me ways to make the spaces that He desires to fill. I am aware of Him helping me shed the old skins of shame, guilt, unforgiveness, busyness and doubts and fear.

So with the new year right around the corner, I am reminded of the new creation God is making in me daily. I am reminded to put of the old away and surrender all to Him as He creates all that is new. I'm reminded to look for the light daily. I'm encouraged to stay open. To truly listen for my life. Sometimes I just want to whole already, free from sin and the things that hold me.

But the manger this year has renewed my heart and mind to remember it is a journey. I'm on the path striving and reaching and desiring a life that only Christ can give. Hope surrounds. Joy seeps in. Love in born. Light illuminates.

I am looking for the signs. And I am finding them everywhere.

"Here's another way to put it: you're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I have put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand--Shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in Heaven." (Matt 5:15-17 The Message)

Light in the Darkness

2009-12-25T08:32:00.005-05:00

Light pierces the darkness

And nothing is the same

A babe has been born

In the humblest of ways

And He is our Savior.

Into the dark the light shines and shows us the way.

In the midst of a dark, dark world

Both 2000 years ago and today

Both out in the world

And in our own backyards

Hope has come.

In the past few years our family

Has experienced a life-threatening condition,

Disease, serious surgery, loss of loved ones,

A soldier going to war and other difficult moments.

We look at the tapestry of our lives woven together

With all those we love--with the challenges, pain, love and joy.

And I suppose there are choices to make:

Despair. Or hope.

Hate. Or love.

Resentment. Or forgiveness.

Chaos. Or peace.

Darkness. Or light.

No matter our circumstance, though, the light has come.

And that light -- the true light -- changes everything.

He calls from the darkness to be His light-bearers in the world.

Radiating His light in every way possible, so everyone will know

Emmanel, God with us.

Making Space

2009-12-12T09:50:00.010-05:00

"In the same manner in which we clean and prepare our homes in the anticipation of welcomed guests and family members this Christmas season, let us also prepare our hearts in anticipation of the Lord coming. Christ, our most honored and eagerly anticipated guest, desires to meet with us in a heart prepared for his arrival. So eager is he to meet with us that he offers to help us with our spiritual housecleaning, working with us; creating a resting place for Himself within our hearts." --Katherine Walden, I Lift My Eyes Ministries

I've been thinking so much in Advent about making space, making room for Jesus in a new way into my heart. Someone I was discussing this with asked me, "But don't you have it figured out? You've been a Christian for a long time. Don't you just do the same thing every Advent?" The question haunted me.

Of course we all have traditions in our communities, churches and homes that are part of the beauty and wonder of the Christmas season. But the seasons of Advent and also of Lent are so meaningful to me in my Christian life I the way I prepare my heart. I think from the time I was a little girl and we lit the Advent wreath, read scripture and prayed, I knew it was a very special time. Looking back now I see the reverence of the moment, the quiet space we created to worship. As I grew in my faith I realized, for me, I found that finding God in the silence to renew my soul, to gain greater perspective, to experience Advent in a new way became an important part of my faith life.

I think the yearning in my heart to receive Jesus in a new way is a refreshing thought. But the yearning doesn't mean much if there is no action attached. As I experience Advent fully, I think deeply about the journey...not just the destination. I love the thought of reflecting, preparing, expecting, anticipating the joy of the greatest gift ever given...yet again. Because I'm not who I was even last year on my faith journey. The joys and challenges of each year bring greater depth in my faith walk and I am so grateful, to approach this season with new eyes of faith.

My boys and I recently moved to a new home and we had some trouble finding a space that seemed right for our Christmas tree. We talked through moving furniture, squeezing it in a tiny place, what size it should be to fit. Finally, we decided, even if it looked strange, we wanted it in front of the balcony doors so its light could illuminate into the night. I wondered if we had been talking about the Christmas tree, or the need for something else--the need to let light within each of us shine in a different, new way. So that perspective helped me to look everywhere for light.

I've been noticing more about about space as I thought of this topic during Advent. As I took a walk in the park on a cold December morning, I felt alive with all the space God has created in the woods, in each plant that has broken forth from the earth, in the majestic arms of branches of the oaks, in the rapidly flowing stream and in the vastness of the sky. I thought of a mind's eye photo in my memory of walking up from the creek on our farm and seeing the entire meadow covered with glistening snow and the sun setting so brilliantly. All the space He has made for us to live, and move and have our being. And now I ponder the way I can make space in my own life.

Am I so caught up in the preparations of a meal, for instance, that I hurry along my son as he tells me about his day? Or, am I willing to stop, to listen to even what he is not saying? Do I notice the glimmer in the eyes of the children at a recent community choir concert? Do I see their innocence, their delight? Do I take the time to sit with a friend in need and offer encouragement, instead of rushing out to buy the final presents. Am I learning to listen--both to the movements of God in my own life and to the very deep soul-talk of others? Have I learned to be alone and treasure my time with God in the Word, in prayer, in meditation? Am I ready to leave old habits behind, and move forward as God draws me? Am I willing to wait patiently when I don't have a answer, or the answer is "not yet"? And am I willing to strip away my own masks to reveal the authentic, nicked up, wounded, but ever healing soul that resides in me. And am I willing to open my heart fully, instead of hiding away?

When I think about making space this Advent season, what am I making room for? And I know the answer. I'm constantly called to make room for love. For God's love. For the greatest gift of love ever. It means entering spaces I might not have dared to go before, but with this knowledge that God shines so brightly.

We just need to begin making spaces, I think. And to never stop. Reflecting, then carving out those places in our lives that need more of Him. Those spaces are everywhere. Making space feels very much like finding ourselves loved. And in that space, there is a light shining...as we make our way to Bethlehem.

Preparing

2009-12-04T17:25:00.002-05:00

Come into view...into being

Advent arrives

In the seeking, the preparing, the waiting

Here I am anxious to go full throttle

Into the Christmas season with all its excitement

Already almost too busy to notice the reality I need most:

The time of waiting, of expecting, of hoping is necessary

Sometimes so encumbered by the "doing", I forget the "being"

Lists to make, gifts to buy, decorations to hang, friends to gather

But instead the still, small voice whispers, stirring in my heart

Until I stop, look and listen...I cannot possibly accept the gift

Be Still My Soul! Slow me down, to see and hear and respond

Prepare my heart, unchain all that holds me from seeing with eyes of faith

My Spirit needs to welcome a Savior

I want to journey to the manger, to Bethlehem, to the miracle

Let me accept your solace, Your peace

Give me joy in the smallest wonder

Waiting and seeking

Expecting and hoping

Anticipating and accepting

When I am expecting and hoping

Prepare Me.

Forget Not All His Benefits

2009-11-26T10:01:00.013-05:00

Bless the Lord, O my soul; and all that is within me, bless His Holy Name! Bless the Lord, O my soul and forget not all his benefits. Psalm 103:2

I love the gratitude and wonder that comes across in David's words. Remember His benefits. Speak of His greatness. Tell of the wonder of God! As the Psalm continues we find David not only singing God's praise, but calling on all of creation to join in honoring God.

Bless the Lord, O you His angels, you might ones who do His word, hearkening to the voice of His word! Bless the Lord all His hosts, His ministers that do His will! Bless the Lord all His works, in all places of dominion. Bless the Lord, O my soul!

I love this worship that comes deep from the soul. I love singing at the top of my lungs, surrendering all of myself in Worship to the Creator, Maker, Sustainer, Savior, Redeemer of my life. Praising the one who rules over all--who is steadfast, everlasting and majestic. The gratitude that wells up in my soul just naturally needs to turn into purest praise.

Thanksgiving, followed so closely by Advent, reminds me of all the blessings that God abundantly pours out. Having a heart of gratitude helps us see God's amazing handiwork in creation of the universe, of the world, of the open skies and the vast seas, of the tallest mountain and deepest valley. It reminds us to rejoice in God's rainbow of children, to be awakened to God's everywhere, in every moment, in a stranger, in a neighbor, in our own backyard and own circumstance. I love when Paul talks about "overflowing with gratitude" -- what a joyous place to be. When someone has a truly thankful and joyful heart, we are drawn to them and their whole being -- their contagious joy, their wide smile, their encompassing exuberance. When we walk with a constant "attitude of gratitude" we can see things differently. Some things that we might naturally choose to be judgmental or negative about, we can look through eyes of faith and a heart overflowing with gratitude.

In the beginning of my journey through my separation and divorce, I began journaling. During that difficult time, I remember hearing about writing down five things everyday for which I was grateful. In those beginning days it was a difficult struggle: "Thank you for helping me get out of bed in spite of my grief." "I am grateful for my sisters helping me get through this." "I am grateful my children did not cry themselves to sleep last night." "I am grateful for living through our first Christmas where I had to leave the boys off to share time with their Dad, when all I want is my family back again." But reading over those journals is so cathartic as I see the path through my ever-growing faith walk. Over time, I reflect on a deeper heart of gratitude that God allowed through a deeper walk and joy found only in Him. "I am grateful for the God who never leaves me." "I am grateful that God has put people in my life that point me to His glory." "I am grateful that I desire to never forget all His benefits."

There are so many things I am grateful for: My God who never leaves me, my children who have been my life's purpose, my family who have been the wind beneath my wings, my faith that sustains me, my church where my faith is continually challenged, nurtured and stretched to new levels, my friends that have loved me through joys and sorrows, my home where I find peace, my job which has taught me strength and given me perspective, my writing life which gives me a chance to express my heart and faith. As I reflect on this list, I am reminded of this litany of "my's". It makes me smile at the truth: none of these precious blessings are mine, but treasures given from the amazing God that never leaves us.

Henri Nouwen, a great Christian writer I admire says: "Gratitude goes beyond the "mine" and "thine" and claims the truth that ll of life is a pure gift. In the past I always thought of gratitude as a spontaneous response to the awareness of gifts received, but now I realize that gratitude can also be lived as a discipline. The discipline of gratitude is the explicit effort to acknowledge that all I am and have is a given as a gift of love, a gift to be celebrated with joy."

Remember His benefits! Speak of greatness.

May each of our hearts as we enter this Advent season know the joy of hearts "overflowing with gratitude."

I am humbled and just beginning to understand deeply in my soul the depth of gratitude and grace which I experience with every breath.

Seeking Freedom

2009-11-10T11:06:00.002-05:00

One step forward, two steps back

Why do I land in the same place I started?

Striving, journeying, reaching

Then like stepping on a slippery rock

I am back here again, Lord

Consumed sometimes by what holds me--

Caught in busyness and petty things that don't matter.

Held back by difficult choices, expended by discontent

Trapped by bitterness or resentment I still hold instead of releasing

Still, after all this time, that seed of unworthiness

Rears its ugly head as if I've never grown past the wounds

And, yet, they are just seeds that need to be surrendered

To the deeper faith that shines, even if only a glimmer at times

The perfect love I've accepted from You drives out fear

Teach me to live what I know firmly, but cannot see

And to sit patiently in that abiding faith with great trust

Because I know you hold my hand and hold me up

I am nothing without You, and I am reminded

True freedom can only come through you

Your faithfulness, like a soothing spring rain

Renewing and refreshing my soul

Ever deepening my resolve to honor you:

Loving unconditionally

Forgiving completely

Remembering wholly

The gift of the cross

Still on the journey

And grateful to belong to You

Finding what I seek:

Freedom.

The Welcome Rain

2009-09-13T08:46:00.006-04:00

I welcome the rain, as a source of refreshment, God's presence

And memories of being a little girl on the farm invade my thoughts now

I recall running waiting at the porch door, being given the go-ahead to play

Splashing in puddles with my sisters, I can still hear the sounds--

Exquisite squeals of delight would abound and connect us

Even in something so simple.

I remember looking up to the heavens and thanking God for this miracle

Being awestruck by all God's mystery in the wonder of nature

The rain washes and cleanses, just as God's amazing love wraps us

Pouring out so abundantly and giving me new perspective on the clouds

My analogies of the storm in my life seem renewed by each fresh raindrop

The rain turning into a fierce storm can create havoc and shake us

Yet the gentle rain is a beautiful reminder of God's washing us, renewing us

I love to hear the rain on the roof, the rain as it hits my flowers that drink it in

But I am reminded how I need your grace God, washing me and giving me

Fresh eyes to see, a renewed heart to open, sensitve ears to hear

The cries and joys all mixed together in the healing rain

And then I see it on the horizon, brightening the sky

The rainbow of promise.

REAL FAMILIES

2009-09-05T08:01:00.011-04:00

Our team loves your style of writing and how you quickly tie in the spiritual to the story you are telling. Unfortunately, we are looking for stories about "real families" -- meaning families that have not experienced divorce. We aren't at this time interested in stories about single parent families, since we encourage the sanctity of marriage.

This is part of a letter I received this week, as I've begun to more earnestly submit my writing for publication. As I read the first line I was excited: "Cool, they like my writing!" Then as I read on, I felt like a brick was hurled at me full-force and words of the moment felt soul-crushing.

The Sanctity of Marriage

As I've thought through and prayed through this unexpected letter and it's strong message, there were perspectives that I felt needed to be expressed, not defensively, but from the perspective of this single mom.

I'm going to start at the end: We encourage the sanctity of marriage. "Me too! Me too!" I wanted to scream. I've thought about my experience a few times of thoughtless people who would say things like: "You're divorced, you don't care about marriage." Or "You're lucky, you got rid of your husband." I remember those stinging words, and at the time, I wasn't quick enough to respond, but I've really thought about the subject. But being divorced doesn't mean I don't believe in marriage, or honor it deeply. In fact, the loss of my marriage remains the biggest hole in my heart. Well, probably larger is the loss my children have felt through divorce. But the breaking of vows, the devastation that divorce brings, isn't something I recommend!

The care and love, the commitment and honor, the respect and dignity of a healthy marriage are things I still long for deeply. I also believe that I make a concerted effort to encourage my friends and family in their own marriages. What a beautiful gift from God that bond is! I love attending a wedding and hearing the words: "What God has joined together, let no one separate." I am grateful to be part of a family (I'm one of five children), with two parents ready to celebrate their 55th wedding anniversary in a few weeks. My parents' love for each other through every joy and sorrow in life is an absolute beautiful gift. I feel blessed that my brother and sisters each chose a mate that honors their marriage, that shows love and compassion and unions that are Christ-centered. I'm grateful for all my friends that have strong marriages that are God-honoring and a foundation of joy. And I'm not viewing it through rose-colored glasses. I understand full-well the give and take, the "I better hold my tongue", the "will we ever be out of this valley", the sacrifices, the "speaking the truth in love" moments, the hard work a good marriage takes. But, with all my heart I honor marriage.

Real Families

Early on in our divorce I remember a specific moment that changed my perspective. My children who were probably 8 and 5 were spending the night with their father. My oldest son forgot something he needed for school and I had gone to their father and step mother's home to drop it off. As I walked up on the porch I the door was open and I could see they were all sitting down for dinner: Their dad, step-mom, my children and their step-brother. As I gazed on the scene as an outsider, it was like I was looking in on a perfect family. How my heart sunk--looking in on the laughter, teasing, enjoying the meal. "The perfect looking family, " I thought. I began to think about what God thought when he looked in on my family. It surely wasn't perfect looking (and of course, the reality is that looks are deceiving).

I began to realize that even if I perceived we were "broken", through God's amazing grace my sons and I were building something together that was a foundation honest and real and truthful. And with God at the center, I knew the family we experienced--even if it didn't look like to the outside world--was as authentic as it could be. I won't tell you that being a single parent was easy -- it was and is the most challenging job I've ever had. But, it is also the most rewarding and the most precious gift.

And that night, God showed me He would be my partner in our circumstance, and He has never, never, never disappointed me. During this time one of the best books I read was called, "Breaking and Mending" by Mary Lou Redding. In it, she described memorizing Paul's letters, so I decided to begin journaling on the letter of Colossians. I began to know in a very, very deep way as I meditated and prayed, that the only way I was truly complete, was in Christ. Nothing else I was defining myself by: being a wife, a mother, a worker, a friend, a sister, a daughter--would give me the completion within myself I desired. Christ alone was what I needed. I remember the opening of heart and flood of tears when I finally grasped that knowledge.

What a an honor and blessing that God has given me so many people on this journey of life. But it is not my roles or relationships that define me. My identity in Christ is the only identity that is completely secure, the identity that can never be taken from us, and it is the source of our wholeness. It is a journey and I'm still traveling the path. But by God's grace, I am confident I am "in Christ" and that's where I find my worth. And, I am bathed in God's amazing grace, I am certain I am living a life that is truly authentic. And when I recall all the the brokenness of the past, I can also see the beauty of all the love and forgiveness woven into our lives. In my view, that makes all of our lives pretty real.

Ever since I began the journey of being a single parent, God has put people in my life who have experienced what the same road, or similar. They were gifts to me on the journey and provided me a soundingboard, deep spiritual friendships and practical support. God has continued that this past year as I was part of a leading a single moms group. There were women who had adopted children, women going through divorce (at all stages of the grief process). All the women that I have known, as they shared their stories, have given me such fortitude and hope. And I do believe that being a single parent takes a great deal of courage and strength. I also believe that, for me, I know that kind of strength is not my own, but comes from a loving God, who pours out His amazing grace on us. He takes us from the darkness to the light to become His lights. That is about as real as it gets.

The Doll House

2009-09-01T08:48:00.004-04:00

A replica of our own farm house

Built so carefully and lovingly

By my father when we were young

A mind's eye view into the wonder

That was part of my precious childhood

It was life-size and plenty big for all of us

To play and create and plan and dream

I can smell the smells of the lilac outside the door

And hear the voices of my sisters and I playing there

Encountering elation and bliss in each moment

As we directed and played and became

Nurturing our dolls tenderly there

And setting the table carefully

Eating treasures from the vegetable garden

Imagining, conceiving, creating, envisioning

Unaware we were also nurturing each other's souls

Filled with each scenaios our inventive, artistic minds would hold

Taking walks to the creek to pick delicate Queen Anne's Lace

And dye them beautiful colors of violet and pink and yellow

To decorate our tiny home away from home

Cultivating, encouraging, developing deeper things

It was magical, enchanting special place--

Set on the bigger backdrop of the farm that we all loved--

With its mystery and beauty in the expansive fields

The escapades to the creek, the luscious gardens and green grass

Even now I am in awe of the beauty, the gift, the journey

All the dreams captured

All the hearts filled

All the twinkling eyes

All the promises

All the possibilities

All the precious wonder...

Brought to life in the Doll House

The Old Swimming Hole

2009-08-24T10:46:00.004-04:00

Down the incline of dirt

Back to the haven of childhood

A magnificent oak tree towering up to the sky

Where I lean to see the strong current of the creek

Closing my eyes tightly I listen

To the rippling of the water

And to the chirping of tree toads

And birds singing their haunting tunes

The quiet calm comes over me again

As I recognize the smells that still come alive--

Of earth and clay, of fish that find their home there

Of wild honeysuckle and sweet johnny jump-ups

And as I let the surrondings take me back in my memory

I hear the sweet sound of girls' giggles as they play--

Wading through the cold, clear water on a summer's day

Jumping from the vine ropes of the trees to make a splash

"Who can swim the farthest?"

"Who can make the biggest splash?"

"Who can dive or jump into the deepest part?"

"Who is brave enough to swim over the dam?"

Memories now flooding, and the tears stream down my face

The joys of a childhood so simple, filled with such joy and beauty

The years have slipped through my fingertips

Like the wildflowers and strawberries collected as a prize

A cherished and treasured place, where dreams are never too big to dream

Where sisters become friends and bonds are made never to break

Part of the sanctuary of growing up on that old farm loved so dearly

Found in the refuge, the strength, the shelter...of the old swimming hole

Special Place

2009-08-17T10:08:00.003-04:00

I go to the special place again

Closing my eyes, opening my heart

Taking in the surroundings

Finding my solace there

I smell the sweetness of the wildflowers

And feel the velvet of the soft grass

The whisper the forest breeze

Brushes a calm over me

I hear the trickle of the stream

And the birds singing in the tall trees

I see the beauty of creation

Drawing me gently home

A little cove at my childhood farm

Where I go in my memory for peace

A reminder of a simpler place and time

Yet still the very thought brings me tranquility

A little girl's secret hideout

To dream big dreams

To be enveloped in God's creation

To feel a sense of belonging to something greater

And when a woman now recalls

The splendor of that special place

She is brought back again

Finding refreshment and renewal

She recalls the lessons brought to life

Where she met God and he molded her

And reminds her that the joyful girl is still alive

Inside of her heart and at the depth of her soul

That special place, though no longer mine

Still brought to life in my thoughts and dreams

Giving me strength through sensing God's presence

Transformed into the girl filled with wonder and hope

LONGING FOR HOME

2009-08-13T12:44:00.005-04:00

When I think of "home", one memory that comes to mind is the family farm where I grew up (in Allentown, NJ). I got to be on vacation last week at the beach with most of the family that I grew up with. I loved the farm when I was growing up, but when my parents moved from there several years ago is when I really began to appreciate it's beauty--the farmhouse, which was like a palace to me, the incredible gardens, the fields, the creek. It is so much a part of who I am. And as I grow and learn on my faith journey, that place--and specifically the bonds that were formed, the love that grew and flourished remind me that in many ways my authentic self, is that little girl with wide eyes of wonder and a quiet curiosity.

Over the next weeks, I'm going to share some poems I wrote a few years ago which are memories of that place, along with some I've written recently about how that beginning shaped me. I hope you enjoy taking the journey with me.

THE STORIES THE ASH TREE COULD TELL

If the ash tree could talk of all the secrets told there
Of who loved who and heartbreak, pain and tears
Of joyful laughter, of stories imagined, then sweetly shared
The solace and peace of the arms that held each heart

Climbing up to the top, or sitting on the lowest limb

Or sprawled beneath the lush shade of that old friend

Where dreams were dreamed and promises kept

Where shouts of glee met quiet whispers in the night

Watching a family grow from toddler to grown

Of baseball, soccer and football games observed

Cheered each one by quietly waving the might branches

Leaves rustling in the word or catching a foul ball in his trunk

Hearing the explicit plan of each escapade to the creek

Who would build the raft, or race through cattails

Could a fort be built in the brush by the water?

Who would take the first sled ride down the hill?

Sharing the delight, then watching as each found a life of their own

Leaving...one by one...to explore new lands, bigger adventures

Yet knowing that his robust arms embrace each one well

Provided a strong foundation where values were born and lived

For just as he provided deep and loving protection from the world

His wisdom standing firm, yet giving room to grow and take flight

So that when the winds blow, the waves crash, the storm gathers

The roots and beauty of the tree dig in deeper, nurture more strongly

Revealing the splendor of the family he embraced for so long

His charge complete as the love that stands the test of time

Made a difference in the strength, depth and understanding of each one...
Oh the stories the ash tree could tell

THE SHOP

To My Hero, My Dad

I can still smell the smell

And hear the sounds

Of sawdust and oil

Of saws and hammers

The haven of my hero

Working intently

To fix something

Or to create something new

With precision and pride

Teaching what it was

To bring to life

A carefully laid plan

Still, I see the old jars and cans

Filled with every size nut and bolt

The chill of the workshop

Yet the warmth and peace of it

The smell of his pipe

The twinkle of his eye

The touch of his hardworking hands

The glow of him warm and bright smile

I can still see him standing there

Beginning the creation, working diligently

Passing wisdom from children to grandchildren--

The character of the man shining through

Stepping Stones

2009-07-25T08:38:00.003-04:00

So sure that is the really big truths that matter
The grandiose, the lovely, the powerful
Until God gives me a new view to ponder
And I realize that each moment, each breath
Is a path to new life, to freedom, to truth

Parenting teenagers is a bit like that
Letting go, seeing mistakes being made
And then suddently, sweetly seeing
One step at a time, the light appear

From the darkness, a glimmer, a glimpse
Like the dawn of a new day the light
Just like the depths of my own soul
Where I have kept pain or hurt alive
Instead of letting go to move to healing

As God reveals Himself in new ways
I am blessed to know
His mercies are new every morning
Each stepping stone on the path
A gift I had not expected

Each day a new opportunity
To experience God's amazing grace
One breath at a time
One moment, one glimpse, one smile

Each precious stepping stone
The reminder of
The way, the truth, the life
And am left again, in awe

Losing Your True North

2009-06-23T20:24:00.003-04:00

Sometimes life is full of wonderful surprises

Blessings, really, that you know you don't deserve

I believe that's God's grace blowing through

Making you know you are seen and heard and loved

Sometimes that gift comes in a way

That makes your world so complete

Someone understands you deeply

Someone encourages your gifts

Someone loves you with an earthly love

Like you have not experienced before

When that gift is given it changes you

You see the world in these bright vivid colors

A rainbow--so glorious and brilliant

And the horizon is forever illuminated ahead

The gift is given and you know you won't be the same

And you long to know that the gift will last forever

But you can only take it one day at a time

Because, for you, it's like a miracle

That you've spent your life longing for

You find your true north

It is deep and satisfying

It is joyful and hopeful

It is deep and sensitive

It is a culmination

Of dreams finally coming true

Then just like that

Your true north disintegrates before you

The path you were traveling twists and turns again

And you are left with an ache that can't be described

Yet, your true north is a journey

To find who you were truly created to be

Persistent love that brought you here

And though it has been taken away

You look up through the tears

And a rainbow lights the sky again

Reminding you

God keeps His promises

And He will never leave

Just keep true north

Burning in your heart.

BE GOOD FRIENDS

2009-06-17T09:06:00.000-04:00

BE GOOD FRIENDS

“Be good friends
Who love deeply.
Face each other
In love and understanding.”

In friendship, be true and open
Your lives and hearts
And in humility pray for each other
For patience, wisdom, peace,
Forgiveness and trust.

And embrace the failings and hurts
That are caused and received
In honesty and in understanding—
To accept each other in all our humanness

For this simple truth remains:
Sharing and receiving love in true,
Deep, connected friendship in concrete ways
Requires us to open our hearts, to risk ourselves—
And there is some pain and uncomfortableness
In that truth.

But only in honest, authentic friendship
That is given by God
Can we learn about ourselves
And each other—
The treasures in our hearts,
Who God has called us to be
What gifts we have to offer the world

For in God-given ordinariness
We rediscover each other
In a profound way.

When the Soul Grows Through Loss

2009-06-10T07:40:00.007-04:00

Loss always brings grief--

Sometimes loss is life-altering

Sometimes it's less intense
Sometimes the onset sudden
Sometimes it comes quietly and slowly
Like the night falling on the distant horizon

For so long I was afraid to dream my dreams
So aware that my life had taken twists and turns
That I had never though would happen to me
So I tucked my dreams away deep inside myself

But I found new joy as I found such peace
As I discovered my dreams again
Making the passions of my soul soar
Experiencing this innate God-given joy inside

Greeting the darkness with an assurance
That the light will shine again
Starting as a small spark, a glow, a glimmer
Giving way to the light to shine brightly

Even through grief and suffering
Realizing the soul grows through loss
Knowing now that dreams are meant to dream
But God's dreams may be much different than mine

Realizing the depth of loss
Means there was a depth of love
And that can never be viewed
As anything less than a pure gift

Trusting God--the One who never leaves
To walk through the storms
To reshape, reform, renew
Through grace that transforms

Forcing me to come to the end of myself
To find the new beginning again--
Growing in my deepest spirtual self
Living out the innate joy inside
Striving to live compassion in the world
So aware of the gift of simple blessings

Grateful for each day
Joyful for what was
Thankful for what is
Hopeful for what is yet to be

Life Anchor

2009-06-01T19:30:00.002-04:00

Life-Anchor, hold me steady

When the storms I don't expect

Gently start in the whisper of the wind

And end up blowing furiously, one big deep wisp after another

Life-Anchor, hold me steady

When what is beautiful

Slowly falls apart and I cannot stop its destruction

Dreams dashed, relationships crumbled, leaving me hollow inside

Life-Anchor, hold me steady

When the darkest of nights fall around

When the fiercest of storms come my way

And I am left in the silence, in the rubble, in the pain

Life-Anchor, hold me steady

Like the woman at the well--a soul searcher

Needing to be made whole from the inside out

I come needing to drink of life-giving water

Life-Anchor, hold me steady

Who already paid the price for my freedom

On the cross where my stains were paid in full

Only hope and grace of the cross remain

Life-Anchor, hold me steady

For I am consumed and I need release

For this hole that reveals the scars in my heart

Can only be made full in the One who never leaves

Life-Anchor, hold me steady

For no pain, or struggle or sin can separate me

From finding the magnificent beauty and light

When I lay everything at the foot of the cross.

Life-Anchor.

The Journey of Letting Go

2009-05-19T12:42:00.002-04:00

It was a particularly beautiful spring evening. I headed off to the park for an evening stroll and to spend time with God. There was so much action…teenagers playing football, bikes zooming by, geese descending on the pond so gracefully. I head up the hill and turn off on a hiking trail. I take in the sounds and sights and smells. The oak trees tower above and the smell of fragrant flowering blossoms and new grass and leaves fill the air. I am surrounded by the beauty of nature and grateful for the moments spent awakened and aware of God’s presence.

In the distance I see a Mom on her bike with two small boys following behind. The younger one is just learning to ride and by the time I reach them, the Mom and son are exasperated that he’s tired, he can’t do it, he won’t do it. I smile to myself. Her eyes meet mine and I greet her. “I’m a single Mom, “ she says, as if needing to explain her frustration, her look of being totally overwhelmed. “I am, too, “ I smile at her. “You are?” she asks incredulously. I stop and talk to the boy s and to her. She wants to know why I don’t seem as tired as her. (In truth, I’m exhausted.) I explain that my boys are grown and that I’m experiencing a very different level of parenting. She says, “What I wouldn't do for one walk in the park by myself…I just want one minute where I’m not supplying everything…the financial, the schoolwork, the encouragement, the physical play.” My heart goes right back to the moment in time she is living through. And then her eyes fill with tears and this stranger becomes a friend, “Will it ever get easy…this being alone and being everything to everyone.” My heart fills with compassion for the place she finds herself. I can only tell her to find the moments to enjoy, that as tired as she becomes not to miss any moment…because they are so fleeting. I hear my voice now quivering and realizing that so deep within me I’m dealing with the change in my home, in my life of blinking and my boys being out on their own.

Even now, life is so different. It’s more guiding, than teaching. More reminding, than telling. Less roots, more wings. And even this stage I love. I love that my life with my sons is still filled with deep questions in the night about how to forgive and what makes a girl more special than the others. What commitment is and why the bond of family is important. The debate of finding faith and realizing it makes a difference. The all-important questions of when the Phillies are going to turn it on this year.

There is a peace now. Because the foundation is set, and even though it still needs readjusting, rexamining from time to time, I’m so sure of the foundation, of my Rock, of who has been my partner in these years of creating, shaping, becoming. And I love the sounds of the boys becoming solid friends and the joyful, deep belly laughter we still share. I love the way they sitll look me and the way I still feel when they walk in the room. Yet, I know I will just blink and they’ll be gone from me…we’re holding on ever so gently now…as it should be.

And the thought comes to me quickly, but I've been thinking about it for so long. That my life a mother and especially a single mother has been so much about doing my best, taking leaps of faith and then letting go. It has been like a coming of age…letting go instead of holding on… letting of go of my husband (and best friend) through divorce, letting go of pain and choosing forgiveness, letting go of despair and choosing hope, letting go of perfection and choosing humanness, letting go of perception and choosing truth, letting go of dreams to forge new ones, letting go of loved ones with the reassurance we will be joined again, letting go of judgments and allowing freedom.

As I walk out of the woods in the park I hear this incessant chirping. I can’t believe what I’m seeing and I know, once more, it is God’s awakening me to all that is real and beautiful and points me to His glory. High above, a mother robin, is edging her baby to the rim of the nest…and she nudges again and the baby robin takes flight. And I am left in awe…of the moment, of the experience, of my life.

A Prayer from This Mother

2009-05-09T09:10:00.004-04:00

When I close my eyes in prayer
And I feel the stillness of the night
And I am bathed in the quiet of your presence
My heart full of the gift of this day
I am covered by your love and grace.

The depth of my soul stirs
And I am so eternally grateful for being a Mom--
These precious lives – meant to hold for only a moment
And I am filled to overflowing with the joy of my life.

I wondered so long about my life’s purpose
Until the day I held my first child and knew
The course of my life had changed
As I began this journey of motherhood

The journey as beautiful as the destination
And though sometimes the road was filled
With twists and turns I never expected
I know the plan was set before me

And going the road alone has its challenges
But they are not outweighed by the indescribable joy
The gift of creating foundation and establishing roots
And partnering with a God who never, ever leaves

Learning when to hold on and when to let go
When to impart truth and when to keep silent
Knowing that being on my knees in prayer
As important as telling my own story

Even now, when I look in their eyes
I know them deep into their souls
Everything else falls away
But this unconditional, unmovable, unshakable love

Thank you for the profound privilege, God of my life
For the gifts of these miracles you’ve let me borrow
And for, along the way, making my life deeper and richer
Than I ever could have been had I not received these blessings.

Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Happy Mother's Day!

REMAINING IN HIM

2009-04-23T19:59:00.002-04:00

You don’t allow me to stay stuck very long
Tears stream down my face when I realize
How hard I am just trying to hold in all together
For the benefit of everyone else.

And then I sit here in the dark
In the silence
And feel your presence
Enveloping my soul.

Always in your presence
But especially in pain
I feel the gateway to comfort
Slowly, quietly like a whisper, You come.

No matter the circumstance
I feel your love covering me
With an intensity that won’t let me go.

Sometimes I can only whisper the prayers
And sometimes they don’t come at all
But still, I come, because I know I’ll find you
I seek, because I know I find
All that I need

I am certain through this life of faith
That through perseverance
I have more of an ability to endure

Because you never leave.

Whether I am tasting a cup of sorrow
Or drinking with vitality your joy
You have taught me so well
To remain in you.

Through every assurance and failure
Through every sin and triumph
Through every twist in the road
Through every straight highway

All of it ends at the same place
All of it, every moment, every breath
Leads me back to you.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:5

Wounded Souls

2009-04-14T12:54:00.002-04:00

This morning my ex-father-in-law went home to be with the Lord. Finally, he will be in peace and reunited with his wife and other family members.

The first poem I ever had published was based on an experience with him. Before he died, he agreed to have me post the poem here.

Rest in peace, I'll see you again!

WOUNDED SOULS

I wonder how long we walk through life

Until we understand that everyone has a story?

So quick to judge when someone hurts us--

When someone lashes out, we struggle with our reactions

A friend told me once that, "Hurt people, hurt people"

And I know this to be true.

I guess until we examine the wound

Within every soul, we really don't know.

Those who suffer abuse or live with pain

Those who are belittled and humiliated

Those who are bullied and broken

All because a wounded soul, wounded them.

But how long must the cycle continue?

Someone is hurt, so they have the right to hurt you?

There are so many people that suffer

Abandonment and rejection and shame

Wounded souls crying out in the night

So I think we have an obligation, really

To learn about each other's stories

To be patient with each other's pain

My wound is not your wound

But because I have suffered wounds of my own

I need to understand what lies deep within you

May not be so different from what I have felt

Never, ever having to accept abuse or injustice

Rather, standing up with courage in the face of wrong

But still, keeping compassion within my own heart

To understand your story that unfolds bit by bit before me

To understand that your dreams may be long gone

That tragedy may have affected you or someone you love

Or maybe you didn't have the privilege of knowing real love

And disappointment and hurt have followed your heart around

I suppose we can all take part in wounding each other's fragile souls

Of feeding the darkness and the pain--

But it seems if we are called to walk in the light

To offer signs of hope and love and forgiveness

We need to find a way to be the instrument of peace

And help to heal each wounded soul.

He Is Not Here!

2009-04-13T12:54:00.003-04:00

He Is Not Here!

He Was Raised,

Just as He Said.

From darkness and pain

To the brilliance of resurrection

Despair to triumphant hope!

The tomb is empty

Christ Has Risen!

What glory there is in this message.

There is depth and beauty

To this unfathomable mystery

By grace, God still blesses this world

Making us new creations every day.

He enters our lives again and again

Sometimes in the most unlikely of circumstances

Sometimes in the most unusual ways.

Jesus is seeking us

Desiring to quench our thirst

Longing to fill our hunger

And draw us closely to Him

In the most intimate of relationships.

Life-Changing

Life-Saving

Life-Giving Savior

Dying to see me free

Rising to conquer death

And to live inside of me joyously.

The Easter message leaves me with incredible joy

And renews a jubilant hope that transform my life

Through suffering, pain, difficulty I have pondered the cross

And I know I am forever changed.

The beauty of the cross

The realization of the great pain endured

The deep measure of the sacrifice given

And the glory of the empty tomb

Leaves me with hope that is unmeasurable.

All is well.

Jesus is risen.

Love is victorious.

The Cross Changes Everything

2009-04-10T07:43:00.003-04:00

When my son was in middle school, one of the many angels God brought in our life was Mr. B. He connected in a way with Kevin, that he still remembers now. Mr. B (or Tom) could relate to Kevin, because he saw himself in Kevin when he was growing up. I am so grateful, even now, because Mr. B (Tom) was such an incredible example of Christ and he reached out to my son, spending time with him, listening to him and building him up in a beautiful way. He lived (and still lives) his faith and his character shines through. He would show up for his baseball games, and later in high school, his football games. He was an encourager of Kevin's life, and of His faith. During Lent one year, they spent time at Tom's together building a cross used for a Lenten program we were having at church. Everyone at the program took a nail and drove it into the cross, signifying our own part in nailing Jesus to the cross. That cross still sits in the boys' bedroom, and is a strong remembrance and a central point of our understanding and center of our Christian faith. And a personal reminder of indescribable love.

A favorite hymn of mine is "When I Survey the Wondrous Cross"...the music and words so speak so strongly and are such a clear reminder of the center of my faith...Jesus Christ.

WHEN I SURVEY THE WONDROUS CROSS

by Isaac Watts

When I survey the wondrous cross

On which the prince of glory died

My richest gain I count but loss

And pour contempt on all my pride

Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast

Save in the death of Christ my God

All the vain things that charm me most

I sacrifice them to his blood

See from his head, his hands, his feet

Sorrow and love flow mingled down

Did ever such love and sorrow meet

Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

Were the whole realm of nature mine

That were a present far too small

Love so amazing, so divine

Demands my soul, my life, my all

I have always loved the words of this precious hymn of my faith..."sorrow and love flow mingled down"...and "Love so amazing, so diviine, Demands my soul, my life, my all." Speaking of His impending death on that cross, Jesus says: "I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all men to Myself." (John 12:32). The central core of our faith--the only Son of God allowing Himself to be tortured on a cross for us. For you. For me. For all.

Christ died for our sins--all of our sons...no matter how great, or how small. This love is so deep, so beyond anything I can comprehend, so much deeper than any other love I can ever receive. When I think of the cross...that all ground is equal at the foot of the cross or that the only way to respond to my trials is to leave them there...at the foot of the cross, I am overwhelmed. The knowledge that all of my faith, all of my life is centered there...at the cross of Jesus Christ.

There is no way, when I truly understand that kind of love and forgiveness that was given so that I may be free, that I can mutter anything but: I need you Jesus.

NIGHT OF DARKNESS

2009-04-09T10:40:00.004-04:00

The night of darkness

Washing the disciples’ feet

With total humility and love--

Beginning of the journey

Leading to the cross.

The bread, the cup

Offered in the Upper Room

"This is my body, broken for you.

This is my blood, poured out for you.

Do this in remembrance of me."

The blessing.

Jesus, praying alone in the garden

“Can this cup pass from me?”

“But Your will, not mine be done.”

They could not keep watch.

Disciples in the valley of despair.

Each one falling away one at a time

Betrayed by the kiss of a friend

Denied by Peter, the Rock

Turning away.

Falling away.

Departing.

Alone.

A Greater Love

2009-04-07T13:21:00.003-04:00

I heard an old song recently by a Christian artist I used to follow. The tune so simple. The words so cutting. It really reached through my heart and took me back to a time that was pretty full of storms and darkness.

THERE IS A GREATER LOVE
By Wayne Watson

When parents weep
There is a greater love
When children lose their way
A greater love

When wives cry out
And men have lost their dreams
There is a greater love.

When tears pour out
There is a greater love
When healing does not come
A greater love.

When sorrows flow
And joy is swept away
There is a greater love.
There is a greater love.

It got me thinking about some painful situations for others around me. And it got me thinking of God’s amazing grace in my own life in shepherding me through the storms. I remember a night I was crying out in pain, and although I didn’t say it, I felt it: “Where are you, God? “ my heart cried out. And immediately my thoughts were filled with Scripture from Matthew: “You of little faith! Why are you so afraid?” I was so wanting for easy answers. I was anxious and struggling about what choices I should make in my circumstance. I felt my emotional healing wasn’t coming and I was in a sea of very deep pain—like I had never known.

I kept repeating the scripture to myself…You of little faith! Why are so you so afraid? Did you think you would be left alone in the middle of the storm? Step by precious step of faith, it was my perspective that began to change and allow me to receive God’s grace in a new way. I was praying for healing. I was praying for answers.

Instead, that night in the dark of the night, below a little night light, I scratched out a list of God’s faithfulness to me. God, my children, my family, my church, my friends, my job, my home. In the midst of the darkness of the night and the darkness of my soul, I began to see God’s amazing love for me, and be wrapped in His loving arms so tightly. Instead of focusing on my not healing, or not having answers to my situation, or the sadness, or anything else that broke my heart, I began instead to center on God’s goodness to me.

I began each day praising Him for His presence amidst my trials. Playing praise songs on my car radio and singing at the top of my lungs, even if through tears. And very soon, God began to reveal to me blessings in the storm.

Because no matter my situation, there is a greater love. There is one that loves me so much that He died for me.

I reached for the cross on my neck that night, and realized its significance in my life. The sacrifice of the cross. And the glory of the empty tomb.

Truly, there is a greater love. And I hope no matter what circumstance comes, I can always remember to: Bless the Lord, O my soul; and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits. Psalm 103:2

After all, there is a greater love.

“Greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13

Journey

2009-04-07T10:21:00.001-04:00

Still the chill of winter
Yet the song of spring beckons us
Spring and newness with all it's hope

Yet, there are still frozen parts within me
That need introspection and examination
Cleansing and healing
Darkness lays heavy

But only as an opportunity
To reach farther
To love more deeply
To lift the veil from my own heart
To walk the path
And look to the horizon

Waiting for the dawn
To journey to the cross
Of sacrifice and pain
To the light of the tomb

From the dark to the light
The journey continues
To renew, to refresh
A gift of rebirth.

Comfort In Sorrow

2009-04-02T07:47:00.003-04:00

Sometimes sorrow comes in a slow deliberate wave. You see it coming on the horizon. There are signs that the sorrow is approaching. And sometimes sorrow comes like a quick lightning bolt, with intensity so strong, it knocks you of your feet. Either way sorrow is part of our life. And so a part of our life in Christ. Recently, sorrow came in the strong, striking way. When the sorrow is so deep, it seems it is too much for the soul to carry.

When this sorrow was experienced this week, it created devastation and so many questions. I spent many hours with my sons--crying with them, praying with them, trying to make sense of pain and sorrow that had come to the life of someone they cared about. Within the hours of weeping and talking and working through the pain, we talked of doubts of faith. We talked about assurances of my own faith and questions we all face. I was sure in that moment that even though there times of questioning, that doubts were only bringing us closer to the throne of grace. Sometimes in the depth of sorrow, in the questions, in the emptiness, the encounter with God is so powerful. God is big enough for our questions, and comes alongside us in our sorrow. At the end of a difficult night, what we each knew as we prayed is that God was present. And that He never leaves. What great comfort there is in that knowledge!

When it feels like no one understands, we can run to a God with arms wide open, aching for our sorrow and longing to comfort and heal our hearts that belong to Him.

In Isaiah 61: 1-2:

"The Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom to the captives, and release from darkness for the prisoners." Healer of broken hearts, broken lives, light of the darkness.

And as we make our way to the pouring rain at the foot of His cross, we see the agony Jesus suffered. We know that we knows our pain and our sorrow. The nails in His hands and feet, thorns piercing His brow, wounds in His side and separation from His father. When you realize all he sacrified to save our lives, the healing can begin. I can trust the one who loved enough to die for me.

Sometimes the sorrow that envelops our hearts is so deep, that it is hard fathom. But then I remember the cross and what He suffered there for me.

And I know that I am never left alone.

Mystery

2009-04-01T08:53:00.001-04:00

Jesus.

It’s impossible to portray Him wholly—

To define him, explain him,He is mystery.

Humble and daring

Soft spoken and blistering

Full of sorrow, full of joy

Strongly meek and quietly bold

Child of heaven

Son of earth

Power of eternity

Bearer of light

Former of worlds

Shaper of souls

Storm of glory

Love of God

Offender of religious

Befriender of the lost and wandering

Lamb of sacrifice

Lion of Judah

King of kings

Servant of servants

Quieter of storms

Disturber of peace

Holiness of humanity

For I no longer just know about Him.

Now, I know Him.

For when the veil is lifted

And I see Him as he is

Nothing is the same:

Transformer, Earth-shatterer,Life-giver,

Healer, Comforter, Soul-consumer, Sustainer, Redeemer.

Savior.

Jesus.

Speaking the Truth in Love

2009-03-28T20:11:00.003-04:00

Sometimes we're faced with a situation with a friend, where we nudged by the Spirit to speak the truth. I have faced that with family and friends, alike. I've talked recently with a close friend going through a lot of pain and turmoil about sharing the truth. It has brought me to a place of truly knowing that speaking the truth in love requires patience and prayer and perseverance and a spirit of gentleness and understanding.

SPEAKING THE TRUTH IN LOVE

As I long for Christ to be formed in me

I know it is God's way of maturing my faith

By giving me a covenant within my soul

To be true to God and faithful to my heart's stirrings

The gift of language, the gift of voice allows us

To praise and worship God in every aspect of our lives

And to imitate Christ as we build each other up

To come to the authentic center of who God desires us to be

So aware of the depth of my humanness

Striving, yet not always succeeding

Attempting, and sometimes failing

Yet still persevering with the intention of love

For the proof of God's amazing love for us

Flowing down from the cross of Calvary

Showers us in mercy and grace

So undeserved, yet so extravagant

For God binds us together--brothers and sisters in Christ

And we are a fragile tapestry--intertwined and complex, if we are honest

And speaking the truth in love can bring pain as well as joy

And God continually calls us to open ourselves

In total trust as He leads in gentleness, yet strength

Speaking the truth in love means trying to embody

A savior who speaks truth and gives light

It means making and keeping promises as He has

Making truthfulness and faithfulness alive in the world

What a challenge, yet an honor

To dare to transform ourselves

To imitate the example of Christ

Actively serving Him in this world

By speaking the truth in love

Fortitude

2009-03-26T13:59:00.002-04:00

“There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!” Romans 5:3-5 (The Message)

I attended a women’s retreat a couple years ago. It was a great day of fellowship and renewal. As part of the devotional time, the pastor led us on guided mediations. She had us pick a word from a basket and to meditate on that word for our ministry and our lives. We thought about if it was a word that could lead us or a word we needed to let go.

As I looked at the word, I just smiled. I’m always amazed that rainbow of ways God reveals Himself to me. The word was FORTITUDE. “How appropriate,” I thought. I had just been let go from my company in downsizing after 22 years of service. The grief and anxiety of that time was pretty stressful. Being the single parent of two teenaged sons in that situation, added some concern.

But as I thought about the word and about my faith and about how extraordinary all of the journeys of our lives are, I felt peace. This scripture from Romans came rushing back to me. A friend had read the scripture to me on the day of my divorce. Some other well-meaning friends had congratulated me on that day that I was “free”, and I felt anything but free. I felt such grief and pain. So when my friend recited this scripture to me, it really became a mantra for my life and faith.

I looked up the word fortitude. It means: strength of mind that allows one to endure pain or adversity with courage; perseverance. God used the moment to bring me around the bend. I had already experienced loss and grief, but as the words of this scripture sunk deeply into my soul again, I just felt God’s presence. I felt His nudge to rest in Him.

The thing is, through many storms and difficulties I’ve walked through, I am grateful for fortitude. But I wasn’t born with it. It was given to me as a gift from a loving heavenly Father. I can look at all those times and recognize that those dark times have brought new undertaking, new growth and a strength I’ve never known.

I am not the same Christian I was when I first began my walk. I’m grateful I already had a foundation of faith. But what I find beautiful is that the roots of faith are deeper now. I walk with a risen Christ who never leaves me and who I love and trust deeply.

There are days as a single parent I still fall into bed in tears—wondering how I can balance all the pressures I feel. I wonder, at times, if I have given enough of a foundation to my kids so they’ll make the choice to love God with all their hearts. The list for all of us goes on and on—balancing family, church, home, work. But fortitude in my faith-life has taught me that God is my center. It is when I center my heart and my mind on Him and surrender totally, I experience the gift of being made a new creation each day.

So through the trials and even through the joys and every ordinary moment in between God is indeed developing passionate patience, perseverance, fortitude and a strength that can only come from this God who loves us deeply.

And, my friends, I find such comfort knowing I worship this endlessly loving God who never, ever, no matter what, leaves us.

OPEN VESSEL

2009-03-21T08:41:00.002-04:00

Mystery of faith, transformer of life
You have descended, Spirit of the Living God
Shaping my soul, awakening my core
Creating the path, leading me on.

Astounded that I see gifts I never possessed
Welling up inside so fearlessly and boldly
Tearing down the walls I had built up
Making what was broken, whole.

My cup of life that had seemed
Broken, flawed and damaged
My perception, not Yours
Perfection never the goal
But my humanness, formed by You

You have given all for me
As witnessed by the gift of the cross
But have I received—really received
And surrendered all I am back to you?

Accepting the forming of my soul
This developing, slow growth inside
Instead of my anxious control
Embracing Your grace, my humanness
Rejoicing in the gift of the Spirit

Cherishing the unsolicited
As offerings of your design
the unknown
To treasure the unfulfilled

Learning to love the flaws
And sure now of their purpose
As I let go in gratefulness
To be used for your glory.

Finally, an open vessel.

Pressing On

2009-03-13T16:06:00.002-04:00

Lent is when you have me look intentionally, deliberately, purposefully
Into the well of my soul-- to all I am becoming—drawing me nearer
I feel the nudge, the prod, the desire to move
From this comfortable, contented place that I get stuck in

Your mercy is new every morning
Yet, I pause to ponder whether the newness of my soul
Means I should be approaching life differently
Seeking the unexpected, surprised by the unpredictable

Because your love isn’t something to put
In a beautiful golden box – all neat and tidy
But your love is transformational and life-changing
I can let go of my desire for seeking perfection
Because instead I’m desperately seeking you, God

Here I am brutally honest about being ordinary, broken and human
Knowing that you can take this life, these experiences
And make something beautiful to be used for your glory
Soaked and bathed in endless mercy and grace

Am I aware enough that you challenge me to be more?
To go deeper, to take risks, to approach the painful, prickly paths?
Am I connected enough to be at peace with the silence and in tune with you?
Or does my own schedule, program and plan become my short-sighted focus?

Instead, Lord, I long to be open and willing and waiting
Tearing down the walls that are really my fears
Peeling away the masks that I still hide behind
Forgetting sometimes that I am already accepted, loved

So entwined in the routine of life, that I shut myself off
From the way you want me to take the leap of faith
Push myself to the edge, allow my heart to race in anticipation
And uncover the truth. Your truth. Boldly being your light in the world.

Ignite the fire within me. And don’t let it burn out.
Until you have finished your work in me.
Give me the desire to persevere and endure.
Always keeping my goal on the cross of Jesus Christ.

Singing in My Soul

2009-03-11T08:38:00.006-04:00

When I finally learn

That walking through valleys

Helps me seek and draw near

To The Holy One--

Is when I find peace

Darkness and shadows

Can surround and consume,

Fear and doubt can set in

But when trust and hope

Are finally lived in truth,

That's when I hear it--

The singing in my soul

It may start with lament--

The wails of pain that hold me

But slowly it is in the singing

Through the sorrow

That I learn my life's song

Reminding me

I walk by faith and not by sight

And I am moved by this deep mystery

The God who NEVER leaves

Who has a bigger plan

Than I can possibly dream

Is present deep within me

And I am enveloped

In unfathomable awe and wonder

As the darkness changes to light

And then God paints instead

A rainbow, a masterpiece

Of vivid and vibrant colors again

And out of the dark I always hear it:

First one note, then another and another

Joining in a melody that is uniquely mine.

A tune that begins softly,

Then builds in intensity.

Increasing and lifting to new heights

Pulling me out of every depth

Becoming a beautiful piece of music--

My music, my path, my choice, my life

To the point of clear and ringing harmony

Purest praise that I sing not with my voice

But with the song that wells up in my soul

Lenten Poem: A WATERED GARDEN

2009-03-09T09:16:00.003-04:00

Thinking about the journey to the cross and Jesus' time in the wilderness began my thoughts of our own wilderness, our own hunger and thirst for the Holy, the sacred.

The earth, still untilled Surface layer hardened by winter
Barren, brown and dry
Brittle and broken stems
Lifeless, dull, fruitless

But through the soil
The tiller digs in deeply
And uproots the dried blossoms
And gives new life to what lay dormant
Forcing its way through a winter crust

Feel the blazing of bright sunlight
The warm wind blowing freely
The deep thirsting for rain
To bathe with refreshment
Waiting, wanting, longing

Sensing the approach of a rainstorm
Hearing the wind and the thunder roar
Its rumbling drawing nearer
Crack of lightning blazing the sky

And now just stillness...
The air is heavy
And one raindrop falls
Then another and another
Tumbling down upon you...
Splashing and dancing and dribbling

Through the openings of the soil
Falling faster and faster
A steady pace now
Trickling rivulets
Sinking deep into all
The readied and prepared spaces

The watering refreshes
The newness invigorates
The roots deep within and new shoots
Cleansed and purified, now flourishing

From wilderness to thriving
From emptiness to fullness
From bleakness to abundance
From death of resurrection
From despair to hope

Listening to Your Life

2009-03-03T08:29:00.007-05:00

It was a day many years ago. It was soon after my husband had left. I was still trying to manage life without him, while trying to build a life for my children and I. It was probably still in the first month and there were so many changes, pains, chaos. I was pretty much a bundle of nerves, trying so hard to be a faithful, loving wife and a good mother through the pain. But I clearly didn't know what the future would hold.

I remember coming home early from work and sitting on my front porch, realizing the trees were beginning to change to brilliant colors. I remember feeling like I missing life--the real important moments--the glory of the sunset, the laughter in my children, the love of a friend, that only a month before I lived for. I was enveloped in grief. Even though it was still hard to pray, I began saying breath prayers--a one sentence chant, so I could connect with God and feel His presence. "Thank you for never leaving." It struck me that I didn't want to miss the beauty of this warm September afternoon. My sons and I packed sandwiches and drinks and went to the park. They played on the playground and we fed the ducks at the lake. For the first time in a long time, I was really engaged in the moment. I struggled to take my focus off the pain and just enjoy and savor the gift of the moment. And I know just then God was speaking.

I knelt down and adjusted Andrew's (my youngest, who was 3) jacket and put his hood on. He smiled so brightly then, as I gazed into his saucer-sized crystal blue eyes. My older son, Kevin was running ahead, throwing a ball up in the sky, full of vigor. Andrew, the quieter spirit, just content to grab for my hand. He pulled me down motioning that he had a secret. And so softly, almost inaudibly, he said, "Please don't leave, Mommy." It occurred to me that if I hadn't been listening, if I had been rushing or preoccupied, I wouldn't have heard the cry of his heart. I've thought of that moment a million times. It's one of the photographic memories I file away, recalling it to remind me to listen.

And the gift of my children, especially in managing through difficult times and leading to the teenage years, have taught me to truly listen. Because sometimes they'll say something I need to hear. Or sometimes the words are not there, but I can sense the feeling or through some acting out, identify the fear. As I went through some of those times, it was the family and friends who were just willing to listen that gave me the greatest sense of peace.

I think, for me, Lent is a perfect time to slow down and listen. Listen to the rhythms of your life, listen to the longings in your heart, listen to the sorrows in your soul. Keep quiet for awhile and observe. Bathe yourself in a sunrise at the beach, or a quiet walk through the forest. Connect with God in a new way. Don't jump to conclusions and offer a "fix" for a friend. Listen intently, and have the patience to know that only God may understand the burdens they are carrying. Listen to what is said. Listen for what is not said. Sometimes in my prayer life I wonder: Am I just doing all the talking--pouring my heart out, but not giving enough attention to God's heart and His response? Am I listening for God's whispers to my heart?

Hands down, my favorite Christian author is Frederick Buechner. When I first read his writings, I was immediately drawn in to his depth of understanding of the Christian faith and the clear, gentle, flowing way he describes so many issues of faith. He enters in the deep and complex rhythms of the soul with such simplicity.

This quote on listening to God by Buechner is one of my favorites: "If God speaks anywhere, it is into our personal lives that God speaks. Someone we love dies. Some unforeseen act of kindness or cruelty touches the heart or makes the blood turn cold. We fail a friend or a friend fails us and we are appalled at the capacity we all have for estranging the very people in our lives we need most. Or maybe nothing extraordinary happens at all--just one day following another. We sleep and dream. We wake. We work. We remember and we forget. We have fun and are depressed. And into the thick of it, or out of the thick of it, God speaks. God speaks and the words are incarnate in the flesh and blood of ourselves and of our own footsore and sacred journeys. Listen for God."

I love the solemness of Lent. It truly is a time for me to take stock, to look deep below the surface, to examine my soul, to spend time in God's Word, in prayer, in solitude. To slow down enough to let the chaos and noise of life subside, to be intentional about listening to my life. And listening for my God.

Worship and Wonder

2009-03-02T12:58:00.003-05:00

I have such a deep appreciation for worship. I was fortunate to have some really amazing teachers in my family and in ministry as God called me deeper to understanding and appreciating true worship. There are so many facets of worship. And Lent, for me, is good time to once examine corporate and personal worship in my life...making sure always that the One who never leaves me is the one who deserves all the glory.

IF NOT FOR THE WONDER

True worship...the response we bring,

Holy God, through eyes of faith,

We see a magnificent picture painted

Of Your strong and beautiful character.

In Your holiness we hear your voice of truth that we seek,

Our hearts are lifted in devotion,

Desiring to give you honor and glory.

When we behold the mystery and delight in your majesty,

With hearts open, genuine worship thrives on wonder.

We can adore and value others without a sense of awe,

But cannot worship and honor you without the revelation of wonder.

The highest mountain peak and widest canyon depths

Are just an echo to your unfathomable, immeasurable, infinite splendor.

Your strength and power ar beyond our comprehension,

Like the widest horizon, so matchless is your love and grace,

far beyond our understanding.

Yet, you don't NEED our worship,

but you LOVE our worship.

Your delight in heartfelt offerings of the deepest parts of ourselves--

Everything we could offer You, has first been provided by You.

Yet, there is joy of the loving Father poured out on His cherished children.

We come in awe to respond to your faithfulness and righteousness.

We draw close to you, our God, praising you, in light of the cross.

We cannot enter worship on our own goodness,

but THROUGH Jesus and WITH Jesus and IN Jesus

We honor the gift: your ways and your thoughts are higher than we could ever imagine

And we worship in endless wonder

Entering Lent

2009-02-25T16:16:00.002-05:00

There is something so special about the season of Lent for me. The focused opportunity for introspection, reflection and renewal really speaks strongly to me. The journey to the cross is always very special to me. I hope to share some poetry and prose that help me to go deeper, and grow deeper in my love for Christ.

Seeking and Finding

Making space

Loving silence

Encouraging stillness

Seeking peace

Learning to be fully alive

Listening to the life

for which we were created

Finding solace

Connecting--spirit to spirit

Refocusing the lens

Through which we view the world

That can become dull and lifeless

Through our sin and shortcoming

Taking time to adjust the lens

To alter or enhance our perspective

To renew a brighter view

Allowing the distorted to become clear

Surrounded by noise

A constant battering of sound

Distracting the holy and sacred

Disrupting the silence

Creating space

Between empty and open

Or empty and closed up

Or empty and closed in

Observing the patterns

That awakens the discovery

Of ourselves

Of each other

Unearthing the face

Of the One we seek

Living in Deep Water

2009-02-24T10:43:00.002-05:00

Living in the Deep Water

I understand some things about my life:

That I want to live in the deep water

That it is what I have chosen

And a part of the complexity of who I am

Not deep water of the sea that consumes you

So you feel you are weighed down and drowning

But deep water so you feel anything and everything

With a deep sensitivity of heart and soul

And not just what lies on the surface

True, living below the surface can be hard and painful

Trying to make sense of losses and struggle and challenges

Trying to see how the tapestry of life is woven together

Both the innate joy and the veil of darkness that sometimes sets in

Having to peel every layer away and reveal the depth of my soul

Responding to the voice deep within instead of remaining passive

Like a caterpillar encased in the warmth of the coccoon

Risking all to become a creature of beauty ready to fly

Living my truth, and not the truth others imagine for me

Invoking diligence and courage and fortitude and strength

That is not second nature to me, but rather a gift I receive

When I am open and ready and willing to seek, and then accept

For so long I lived on the surface, making everyone else happy

Yet not experiencing and receiving the gifts I was given to share in the world

Not loving myself enough, so it was impossible to truly love others genuinely

Until I was to be pulled from the surface and enter the deep water

Deep water that allows me to let go of what was

Deep water that hopes for what is yet to be

Deep water that washes me clean

Deep water that allows freedom and soaring

Deep water that empowers me to experience the flow of life

Knowing that without the deep water

I would never have known

What lies inherently and profoundly within

And how God is ever shaping me still, even in the deep water

The Unmasking of a Soul

2009-02-18T20:41:00.003-05:00

It was the season of restlessness in my soul. Yet I hadn’t given much thought to soul talk, or soul work for so long. But in the pain and chaos of circumstances of my life, I had to make choices. I know now, it was God gently whispering, nudging me awake.

Hidden away, I felt so unknown to anyone. I wanted to scream: Who am I really? A young mother with much to learn ahead, a hard worker, a good daughter, a faithful wife, a loving sister, a loyal friend, a child of God (last on the list, you notice). And, as a woman, so aware of all the hats I must wear in this world—especially now that many things were on my shoulders. It wasn’t the roles were before me, it was masks that I was wearing that were perplexing and mystifying.

As if a child at a Halloween party trying on every mask to see what I fit, I had chosen the “I have everything under control” and “I will please all people no matter the cost” masks. But it was early on as a single Mom that God shook me wide awake urging me to become my authentic self. During this time I began to really seek God with my whole heart—probably as a natural part of my healing but of my sense to go deeper and to find my true purpose.

Nurturing came naturally, so I began to be more concerned about caring for others and less about addressing my own needs. Yet my soul was dry and thirsty. Covering up fear of rejection, betrayal, abandonment, doubt, fear by being all and doing all to seek others’ approval wasn’t working so well. I was burned out. The “everything is OK, see I’m doing great and can handle it all” smile may have fooled some. But I knew as I drew closer to God that He saw the real me. I didn’t know how to ask for help and I thought I’d seem a failure to others if I did. I was losing myself, or at least my soul, by hiding myself in the shadows instead of living my life fully and genuinely.

Fear was at the root of continuing to wear these unflattering masks that began to make me less than I was created to be. Peeling back the layers of those masks was hard work. I had worn them for so long. But slowly I began to give up on the unreasonable patterns of not measuring up (in my own mind). I was enamored with the temporal, instead of the eternal. Perfection was what I strived for and wondered why I could never measure up. Was I serious? Even with the brokenness of a divided family, I still wanted to look sparkling—inside an out. I wanted to cover up my flaws. This kind of thought pattern was crushing me. Wounds just grew deeper. I felt the canyon between God and I. Choosing masks to please others instead of living a God-pleasing life.

It was like playing dress-up as a child. Putting on a whole new persona and becoming someone I was never meant to be. It was a pretend life. Instead of choosing to allow my real, true, authentic nature show, I was living under false pretense and veil of a facade.

That is when I cried out to God wondering who I was, who I was supposed to be, who I’d become. Who was I at the core of my being? I thought about the fear that held me and I opened my Bible to this verse: So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. (I John 4:16,18). Imagine that, no fear in love!

As I prayed, I found God saying in many different ways to me: You are called to be who you were created to be. I knew that meant first being a Child of God. That’s where I started and that was the journey that took me beyond busyness and approval seeking, poor self-image and past wounds to the God that loves me.

You see, it was the discovery that the Good Girl within me—the girl who made everyone happy, spoke when spoken to, took the path of least resistance, often stuffed down her own true feelings and never, never colored outside the lines—just had to go. Delving deep into God’s love gave me the opportunity—the gift—of being loved just as I was. God brought me through pain to a season of my life where He was revealing Himself to me and myself to me. The journey was the first part of finding myself loved completely by the God that shaped me.

That breakthrough has stayed with me and though twists and turns abound, God continues in this unearthing of love – changing and growing me beyond what I could have imagined.
Psalm 139 is one of my favorites and sometimes when I want to put a mask back on for approval of others, I pray now about what it is God desires of me. And I recite this as memory of who I am in Christ: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth. (Psalm 139:13-15). And He helps me put the mask aside and look to Him.

I’m pretty sure being loved by and loving God is what finally taught me to take leaps of faith, risk opening my heart again and having the courage to living the life for which I was created.

Unmasking the soul to reveal and unveil your real life--your true self--is highly recommended. And anyway-- drawing outside the lines is great fun!

Encourage One Another

2009-02-14T19:41:00.004-05:00

1 Thessalonians 5: 12Now we ask you, brothers, to respect those who work hard among you, who are over you in the Lord and who admonish you. 13Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. 14And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. 15Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.

My son found a letter this week that he was given when he was in middle school. It was a newspaper clipping with his picture from a baseball game in which he had hit two home runs in one game. The letter that accompanied the clipping was a letter of deep encouragement. It was given by an incredible sister in Christ, from our previous church.

Not only did "Hope" know that Kevin was having great struggles due to managing through the pains of a divorced family with some difficult issues, but Hope was just the best model of encouragement I knew. Hope had her own set of struggles physically and was in a wheel chair. But she looked past her limitations to become an incredible caring, nurturing woman of Christ. I was blessed to have her as a mentor as I started writing, and as a friend as I worked through the tough and hurtful issues as I sought healing for my family.

I didn't realize my son had kept the letter, but he showed it to me on the day that she died this past week. And he asked me to read the part that was so special to him: "Use all the gifts God gives you, Kevin. You are a very special boy. That big smile that you wear on your face sometimes hides the pain of your heart. But God hears your prayer. And he will answer you. Keep the faith. And I know that big smile gives way to your big heart." All these years he held onto that as a source of encouragement and hope.

"Hope" gave her life to God and to the ministry of encouraging others. My son was one example, but her ministry was far-reaching and God used her mightily in the life of so many. What a gift encouragement, established in God's love can be, both in the giving and receiving. Thank you, "Hope" for being such a strong example of becoming a vessel God can use in such a beautiful way.

Thanks be to God.

TO THE CENTER, a poem

2009-02-13T13:55:00.002-05:00

To the Center

I have come to the center, where I am rooted in God's love

In this place there is no need for striving,

Impatience or seeking approval.

All I am flows out of God's presence

Life is a silent dance revolving around God

Alive in the artwork and music of His love

Life With God and In God and Through God

Is to experience him in my brokenness

But encounter his complete wholeness

And approach the throne of grace

With all the devotion I can muster.

I don't have to withdraw from the world

Rather, respond to the world from my center

For my center--my God--is what has changed me

And how I desire to bring Him glory through a life changed

Cutting away the old dead blooms that shrivel and die

So that new blossoms can burst forth in vivid brightness

Because seeing God face to face is more sacred and deeper

It is all-encompassing to come to a place of rich communion

The wonder and mystery enveloping my soul

In the awe and splendor of the moment

Surrounded in abundant grace

Hope Abounds

2009-02-11T16:48:00.008-05:00

Last night at the Single Moms group that I'm part of we were discussing the book "Self Talk, Soul Talk" by Jennifer Rothschild. We had a very animated discussion about the subject of hope. And I've been thinking hopeful thoughts all day.

I like that hope is a choice. I like choices. But I also know that the true hope I find is in Jesus Christ. That knowledge changed my life one day. One day I was going through a very difficult time. I was dealing with a personal grief that had not been expected and it set me spinning a bit. I remember wrapping myself in my robe, with my journal and my tears and coffee, of course. I sat on my deck and just waited in the silence. It was a warm day and the sun was rising--this golden yellow--a perfect fall day. I looked around at the changing hues of leaves on the towering oaks and breathed in the freshness of the day. All at once I had this feeling on my heart: A new day has dawned. In the midst of my own personal grief, for me, it was God's precious message to me that life goes on--whether I am joyful or sad, having a great day or an "off" day. The words of the hymn "My Hope Is Built on Nothing Less" came to me: I hummed the tune and wrote down the words to let them soak into my heart:

On Christ the solid Rock I stand, All other ground is sinking sand;

All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness seems to hide His face,

I rest on His unchanging grace.

In every high and stormy gale,

My anchor holds within the veil.

Today is a day where hope is overflowing in my soul. The springtime day in February--a special gift--helps me think about hope. One of my favorite scriptures is Romans 5:3-5. It has been meaningful over and over in my life:

Romans 5:3-5: Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Even when we have a tiny glimmer of light to hold onto, we are holding onto hope. It may not feel that way in the midst of suffering or pain, but the tiniest light can help us stay steady and hang on. When our hope is in Jesus Christ and not in earthly things or earthly people, the glimmer of hope eventually grows to a wide horizon of hope that seeps into our soul and begins to change our perspective. The despair seems to dissipate and slowly we begin to experience God's truth and God's hope. It's as if we're transformed out of fearfulness and instead we choose hopefulness. Because the One we hope in is an anchor of our faith.

This quote on hope by Henri Nouwen speaks deeply to me: "When we become aware that we do not have to escape our pains, but that we cam mobilize them into a common search for life, those very pains are transformed from expressions of despair into signs of hope."

I wonder what your signs of hope might be. Some of mine include looking into my sons' eyes and seeing light, curiosity, determination, wonder. And hearing my nieces and nephews laugh with delight when they play together. Seeing my parents so deeply in love after 50+ years of marriage. Experiencing people growing more deeply in their faith. Getting a call from my nephew serving in Iraq. Letting go of an old hurt. Feeling forgiveness well up within me. A smile exchanged with a stranger. The touch of someone's hand on my shoulder. My sister's courage. And her faith. Seeing a single mom begin to heal through pain. Being used as God's vessel in some surprising way. An answered prayer. The gift of authentic love. (OK, and the Phillies winning the World Series). A robin making her nest, a cardinal in the winter, spring blossoms, the hot summer sun. The list goes on and on when I awake and aware of God's movement in this world.

All signs of hope such a precious wonder. All given by an amazing God. All of it reminding me that hope abounds.

Longing

2009-02-09T17:08:00.003-05:00

Hungry and thirsty, I come

This void inside me like a noisy cymbal

Instead of a quiet place within my soul--

Fill my cup

Longing to be what you created me to be

But falling short so many times

Like a robin with a broken wing

Wanting to soar in the sky

Make me whole

The stirrings within me

Only filled by surrendering all

Loving completely, forgiving authentically

Being made new everyday

Grace heals

Allow me to become the bridge

Instead of the stumbling block

The rainbow, instead of the storm

Maker of my heart.

For the longing deep in my soul

Can only be filled by your love

Through the glory of the cross

Longing.

Filled.

Whole.

Grace.

Maker.

Glory.

Fingerprints of God

2009-02-06T21:19:00.006-05:00

Several times in the last few weeks, I've been brought back again to the beautiful words of Psalm 139. It truly is one of my favorite scriptures and over and over I feel the words coming to life. As I prayed for different friends in different situations, this beautiful scripture came to me again. To me, it is this beautiful account of God's deep and lasting love for us.

It reminded me of the way God drew me to him in a new way through the experiences of my life. The fingerprints of God on my life. I recalled a time in my life, especially as a newly single parent that I felt so bad about myself, I was almost paralyzed in this view of myself as a pretty unlovely person. I was broken. That had a great deal with the fact that the one I had carefully chosen to love and take marriage vows with, had decided he no longer loved me. The betrayal and rejection of those feelings, along with still trying to run my house, hold down and job and care for my children was more than overwhelming.

Through the chaos and pain, though, I was brought into an even deeper love affair with God. This Psalm had a great deal to do with it. I remember in all my brokenness one night being led to this Psalm and it has become a comfort and a joy to me. The thing is, God drew my focus off myself and my situation and onto to Him. That was the change for me. I can remember not just acknowledging my faith or feeling God's love. It was as if I heard God whisper, "RECEIVE my love." Something in my heart changed then. It wasn't just a God moment to me. It was THE moment. God's clear fingerprints on my life. On my heart. On my soul.

In David's Psalm he proclaims: "You hem me in both behind and in front and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is so high that I cannot attain it… For it was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; I know that full well." (Psalm 139:5-6, 13-14). I love the passion that David protrays in this Psalm and the knowledge that the reason for our creation is beyond ourselveslves.

On a summer night when my entire family (my parents, siblings and families and my sons and I) were on a vacation at the Jersey shore. I was on the deck alone. I looked out over the bay and up to the full moon and the millions of twinkling stars. As I gazed into the sky, the beauty was breathtaking. I thought of this Psalm and of the vastness of creation and thought and God's fingerprints on creation and His fingerprints on my life.

That God of all creation knit me in mother's womb, knows the number of hairs on my head (even the gray ones), and has laid out my life before me is too wonderful a thought. I am fully known and loved by the God of the universe. Fingerprints on my life.

I know that when I was at my weakest, most broken was when I was able to empty myself and receive God's grace--His unmerited favor--to bring me to Him. To set my eyes on Him and away from my circumstance. I was dying inside. I was hungry and thirsty. And I didn't know. I couldn't see. But He knew. And emptying myself, pouring all of myself out, and coming into His presence and receiving that love and grace allowed me to open myself to His leading, His healing, His plan for my life. Fingerprints.

The journey of knowing God, His love and His grace as my Comforter, Healer, Author, Creator, Life Giver, Life Sustainer and Redeemer gives amazing joy. I am changed because I received. Because God would not let me go, no matter the circumstance. Now I spend my life living KNOWING I am a Child of God, wholly loved, completely forgiven and a new creation every morning. The hope that God gave me can't even be expressed in words.

Wonderful are your works. I know that full well. Your love and grace change everything.

Light in the Dark

2009-01-22T08:40:00.004-05:00

Last week I was riding down the the highway after a newfallen snow. It was just a dusting, but enough to provide a fresh white covering to the ground and crystallize the branches of the trees. It was early in the morning and the sun was just starting to rise to it's place in the sky. I noticed the yellow-orange illuminate the woods and then rise to enhance this beautiful creation.

As the sun rose to it's place I noticed the brilliant reflection that occurs when the bright sun shines on the snow-fallen earth. The themes of light and darkness always take me to the grace of God in my life.

I remember traveling down the same highway 10+ years ago. It wasn't a snowfall, but a scorching summer day. The day after my husband had left. This snow and light reflection, took me back to that time of darkness for a moment. On that first day I had taken my sons (6 and 3) to school and the babysitter, I could hardly keep the tears from them, I had the sickest feeling in my stomach and when I got in the car to go to work I was trembling so badly. Just the way they looked me with their eyes, as if to say, "Will everything be alright?" as smiled and reassured them, but was unsure, broken and wounded. I could barely drive. As I composed myself somewhat I turned the radio on and the song "Shine On Us" by Phillips, Craig and Dean was playing. It's first I had heard it and the words reached directly to my heart and became my theme for that time of darkness:

Lord, let Your light,

light of Your face

Shine on us (repeat)

That we may be saved

That we may have life

To shine our way in the darkest night

Let your light shine on us Lord,

let your grace,

grace from Your hand,

Come over us (repeat)

That we may be saved

That we may have life

To shine our way in the darkest night

Let Your grace come over usLord,

let Your love, love with no end

Fall on us (repeat)

That we may be saved,

That we may have life

To shine our way in the darkest night

Let Your love fall on us

Let Your light shine on us

The tears rolled down my cheeks and that song became my song, my prayer when I couldn't pray. After I heard the song for the first time, all I said was, "God, let me find the light." And that theme of darkness and light has be present in all I've walked through on this journey. In some ways, I think you truly know the brilliance of the light (or of Jesus) even more brightly having walked through the darkness. I just know that over and over God's grace saves me and that God never, ever has left me. And I know his "love with no end" shines on me and in me. Even on the days when the light is just a glimmer or a soft glow, it is the light of Jesus in my life that gives me hope to strive to be a beacon of light to give Him glory. Because out of the darkness a light shines. And I am grateful.

In Matthew (Eugene Peterson's, The Message) it tells us: "Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven. " (Matt 5:15-17)

Shine on!

Striving to Go Deeper

2009-01-10T10:15:00.003-05:00

I've been journaling about my expectations for 2009 and I find I don't end up thinking about specific goals and dreams, but about who I am and how I have begun to go deeper on my faith journey and my desire, with God's help to continue that. Here's a picture into my thoughts...

Try to talk less, but start listening more with a heart that is wide open. Watch more sunsets, gaze at more full moons and witness more sunrises from the shore's edges. Savor laughter. Enjoy the little ordinary moments of each day, which are really miracles. Breathe in fresh air. Let all your senses be exhillarated in the amazing creation around you.

Put the cares of yesterday away, except for what you learned from them. Forge ahead to new experiences, never forgetting the past's worth, but with a new passion for all that is yet to be. Yet, rejoice in the present moment, with all it's mysteries.

Live in love, leaving fear behind. Live in hope, instead of petty worries that add nothing to the value of your life. Take that unbridled joy that you know is God-given and put despair away. Live in acceptance, instead of isolation.

Learn to say, "Have your way, Lord" and mean it sincerely. Open yourself to the plans God has for you and your life, acknowledging that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. And when you think a dream has died, just remember God's dreams for you may look a bit different than your own--both in substance and timing.

Continue to speak the truth in love, free of judgements to find a way to peace and acceptance. Peel away everyevery mask that holds you hidden away. In so doing, finally reveal your wholly authentic self. With God's help, bring yourself out of the shadows. Honor the darkness, but celebrate the light. In fact, remember that because you have known darkness you can value the light in a brighter illumination.

Love no matter what. Honor and love all people to find the way to unity. And forgive--not forget--but forgive. In so doing set your heart and soul free. And don't forget to forgive yourself.

In all things never forget the cross--the assurance of what a precious, worthy Child of God you are. Don't focus on being everything to everyone. But live in joy giving all you are as a gift back to God. To be used for one thing: His Glory.

Gift of the Red Bird

2009-01-03T20:05:00.005-05:00

Driving early in the morning to a park not far from my home the frigid temperatures have set in. I take in the picture I'm driving into: I notice how almost all the leaves are gone now. Those that remain are crunchy and brown. The sky is a winter sky and the sun rises slowly. It is easier to see through the woods, since the brush doesn't impair my view. But I am taken by a light covering of freshly fallen snow. All is silent and the sun peaks through the trees, but it is noticeably still. Winter may not be my favorite season, but it is still full of charm.

Before long a cardinal appears on the fence in front of me -- a female with it's gray-brown coloring, but red beak. Within a few minutes the male appears. The splendor of its color is breathtaking and seeing him perch on a snowy branch is a gift.

I love how God appears and makes His presence known in nature. It really makes me take notice. It really helps me be aware of the all of the wonder that surrounds us and how small we are in the majesty of the universe.

Last year, I had the privilege of reading a book call "Gift of the Red Bird" by Paula D'Arcy. It is a poignant, truthful moving story of a woman's journey grief and a spiritual awakening of sorts to God's presence.

She shares, "Our journeys are evolutions. I recognize the importance of seeing. If my "seeing" does not expand, neither does my faith. Any fear which limits seeing is costly. It is essential to seek vision and create enough silence in one's life to listen to God. I am aware of most of the freedom, beauty and joy I have found required risk in order to find the next truths God was revealing. You cannot be safe and see. You must choose."

These thoughts were so meaningful and having my own encounter with the red bird on a snowy winter morning is signficiant. God wants me to see and to listen and to be aware of His Presence. And He wants me to respond.

As I become more aware, more sensitive on this journey of faith and life, I want to give glory to God for each moment...because they are all so significant. I just know I want to see more red birds on snowy branches. And when I do, I want to remember who to thank for the amazing gift of life.

FRUITS OF THE SPIRIT

2008-12-31T11:02:00.004-05:00

Resolution. A promise. A declaration. A decision. I hear so many people making New Year’s resolutions. It seems the thing to do. The year is closing out. It’s time for a fresh start, a new perspective, some way to improve our lives.

I am reminded of Ebeneezer Scrooge in, “The Christmas Carol” and the story of how the ghosts that come to him teach him how to have compassion in his heart and to open his heart to love others again. That is the kind of resolution that resonates with me. I’m reminded during this time, that what I have to clean up most is who I am on the inside. Are there shadows within me I need to reveal? Is there someone I need to forgive in order for healing to occur? Have I forgiven myself for my own shortcomings? Is the way I’m living my life pleasing to God? And in all things, am I constantly striving to seek the face of God? And not only the choices I make in my life, but am I responding to life and to the choices of others in the way God would have me? And do I strive for God’s will and open my heart so I may be ready to receive the gift of unconditional love God has for me, for my life, so I may experience His presence and to share that light with others? Do I really hear and heed the cries of help of others? Do I worship and glorify God with my whole life?

When I think of resolutions, I think the best place to start is to learn to trust God more and more. I want my life to be a gift back to God for all the blessings he’s poured out on my life. And even in a year that has had its share of challenges, there is so much I have learned and so many ways I see the face Christ. For it is through the storms of life that I’ve learned the most about the faithfulness of God and that my own faith has been strengthened, because there is much yet to learn.

So I want to make my resolve, my promise, to be all of who God created me to be. This isn’t an easy task, but it is what I want to strive for and with God’s help, and help of my band of angel friends who surround me with encouragement on my walk with God, I know I can move in the right direction. It is my prayer. It is my promise.

As I was thinking of what I would resolve to work on within me, this scripture from Galatians 5:22-23 came to me: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Which one among us cannot develop each of these fruits as a model of how to live our life in Christ?

I think about the challenges we face. They are actually gifts to mold us into something more. They don't seem it at the time. But constantly, looking back, I can see how God refined my heart through times of challenge and struggle. These fruits of the Spirit teach me how to be better than I am. They teach me that I will fall, but in all things striving for these gifts that Christ best showed as he walked on this earth, are examples of how to live my life.

So, as I make my resolutions, as I pray my promises, as I make my decisions to walk with Christ more passionately, more seriously, in a more committed walk, may God guide me and hold onto to me so I can truly become the faithful disciple he has planned me to be.

Unexpected Disguise

2008-12-28T12:59:00.006-05:00

You enter the world
The Savior we've longed for
Majesty and Honor--royal and priestly
But wait...instead...humbly born in a stable so bare

It causes me to wonder over and over
What way do you come to us now, Lord?
Aren't you hidden in the person we haven't forgiven?
Or in the hearts of those we find it difficult to accept?

And isn't that you in the homeless man--the cold concrete his bed?
Or those scorned by society so they can hardly raise their heads?
And the awkward teenager, doing everything to try to find a way to belong?

Those we are quick to judge
Because we cannot understand the depth of their pain
Or the reason they put others down instead--
The very ones we cower away from?

I think I see you there--behind their eyes
In their heart, in their pain, in their disease
In the gruffness of their voice, in the tears in their eyes
And I wonder if they see you, too--anywhere, everywhere.
In noone, in everyone.

And I wonder if I will respond:
Will I know you?
Will I accept you?
Will I welcome you?
Will I love you?

Will I make my heart your home?

Coming Home

2008-12-22T13:11:00.003-05:00

The doorway to my childhood was joy. It was an elation that was complete, unbridled, uninhibited, unrestrained, passionate, all-consuming.

Life on my family farm was a really glorious event. I had no idea until I was much older that we didn’t have much money. There was always laughter, adventure, beauty in nature, hard work, hard play, good food and immense helpings of love.

I began to see how important the relationships were that were built in that family and in our community of church and friends. When I think of coming home I always think of that farm and farmhouse. The memories of those encounters--our joys and even our suffering--is so wrapped up in a tapestry of the recollection of that period of my life.

I think it defines me in some ways—that simple life, yet that rich life that was my childhood. Maybe I go back there in my mind because of my own life that has experienced divorce and true brokenness of a family. Maybe it is because I longed to give my own children that wholeness that I grew up with. Maybe going back to the farm in my mind reminds me of safety, and warmth and comfort. Maybe it is because home is not the building—the house, but what goes on there—what grows there—like love and faith and because it was my own start of those things in my life.

I just know that the kind of joy I experienced was God-given. It was so deep and complete and exuberant, that I wish all could experience a coming home like that. From making mudpies, to building a raft to float down the creek, to the old swimming hole, to working in the gardens, to singing around the piano, to sharing meals together, to the excitement of Christmas morning, the memories of joy stand out the most.

But when I think about that joy and I think about coming home at any time, especially Christmas, I realize that the innate, instinctive joy I experienced, I carry with me every day. So coming home really is awakening to faith, to the God who never leaves no matter the circumstance. But having joy as the doorway to my childhood makes me realize that because of that gift in that place, I can recognize deep, rich joy in a new way at every turn in my life. It is natural that when I think of coming home for Christmas, I think of our family farm. Christmas morning with its joy, starting traditions, sharing love…it was all so priceless to me. And Christmas centers itself on joy. But our true joy is so deep. It starts with a babe born in a bare stable to a young mother and father…coming home…to earth...to change the world, to transform hearts and lives...the King of Kings, born in a lowly stable coming to us in pure humbleness...and entering our lives to save a fallen world...that is what coming home for Christmas is all about.

Coming home for Christmas is wrapped up in the joy of that one single life that changes all of us, if we’ll just let Him.

UNEXPECTED FRIENDS

2008-12-11T15:52:00.002-05:00

I have an amazing friend. Marg is someone who I've known for a few years. But it feels like we have been friends since childhood. She knows the very core of me, she hears the cries of my heart, and rejoices in the joys of my soul. Every moment spent with her is joy to me. She is one of the friends that God has sent, when I needed it most. When I look back on times that God has sent people along my path that I needed or that needed me, I am always amazed.

With Marg it was so clear. I was sharing my personal testimony on a Saturday night service during Lay Leaders Weekend. I had never met Marg and I could tell when she greeted me after the service she was on fire for God. And she shared that she had many of the same experiences I had (wounds and joys). I thought she was the warmest, most open human being I knew. And our friendship just grew from there. We found that we had many things in common. And few people make me laugh like Marg does.

The thing about Marg is she is so authentic. She's serious about her faith journey and this is the place I think our friendship has grown and blossomed -- as we experience the living God together and share all our experiences--pains and joys, failures and struggles--I just feel enveloped in the love of Christ in this friendship.

I don't think there are coincidences. I think my friendship with Marg is God's reminder of what I needed and what Marg needed. And to feel God's amazing blessing in this relationship is just so like God--to pour out His abundant love.

Are there relationships like that for you? Are there people God has put in your life for a specific time and a specific purpose? I know that I'm more aware and awakened to that fact that every moment is extraordinary. Every moment has God's mark on it. And I'm grateful for that.

I wrote this poem at the time I met Marg and I had experienced other friends God put in my life...

BE GOOD FRIENDS
(based on passage from Romans, in the Message by Eugene Peterson: Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. 1Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.)

Be good friends, who love deeply
Face each other in love and understanding
In friendship, be true and open up your lives and hearts
And in humility pray for each other--
For patience, wisdom, peace, forgiveness, trust.

And embrace the failings and hurts that are caused--
with honesty and understanding--
To accept each other in humanness

For this simple truth remains: Sharing and receiving love in
True, deep, connected friendship in concrete ways
Requires us to open our hearts, to risk ourselves
And there is both pain and uncomfortableness in that truth sometimes

But only in honest, authentic friendship that is ordained by God
Can we learn about ourselves--the treasures in our hearts,
Who God has called us to be, what gifts we have to offer the world

For in God-given ordinariness, we rediscover each other

In a profound way.

Emmanuel, God With Us

2008-12-09T11:55:00.002-05:00

It was the first Christmas after my husband left. My boys were 6 and 3. Though I choose not to go back to that place in my mind too regularly, I can still recall the feeling of that first Christmas Eve.

Truthfully, it took me years to get used to the fact that especially on holidays the boys' time would be split between my ex-husband and I. I just knew that I was on auto-pilot trying to get everything done to make our first Christmas special. I wanted to forge new traditions, make the special time in my faith life special for the boys, celebrate the birth of the King and try to get over this numb aloneness I felt so deep within my heart.

Christmas Eve was always spent with my husband's family in a wonderful celebration. We would go to an early family service and then celebrate with his side of family. But on this first Christmas apart the boys and I went to church, and then I sent them off with their Dad. I didn't want to go be with my own family (my parents or sisters and families) because somehow my solitary existence seemed magnified in the midst of these people who literally breathed life back into me through the most difficult time I've experienced.

I sang with the choir at my church, recognizing this nagging feeling of wanting to be with my children as they shared in all the festivities. The tears came easily and my heart was just overwrought with grief at the loss we were walking through. My heart wanted to soar as I entered the story again of that first Christmas. Yet, the pain I was in kept me from the true Christmas joy that I had always felt.

As I made coffee and laid on the couch praying through the pain, the phrase "Emmanuel, God With Us" seemed indelibly written on my heart and I began to repeat it over and over. As I lay there staring at the nativity set under the tree, I expressed my sorrow. Through the tears and even the deep gutteral sobs, I felt a softness in my heart, eventually. I knew intellectually that God was always with me, but on this night, I experienced it so deeply. I was certain that although I felt alone, that I really wasn't. And somehow I knew I never would be again.

Looking back now I think it was that first Christmas Eve that I was so racked with pain was really the first step of diving in deeper to my faith life. I look back now and can sense the pain of that first Christmas where everything changed--and where the brokenness of our lives seemed so amplified. But now, I can rejoice in the fact that nothing can separate me from the love of God. I have truly experienced (as has my family) the joy of Christ through others who shared their love and helped us through to find healing.

And I'm ever so grateful to have encountered first-hand this deep abiding love of God in that tiny babe: Emmanuel, God With Us. What a deep meaning those words have for me, even all these years later. Never alone.

May the joy of Emmanuel, God With Us be with you in a new way this Christmas season.

"The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel"—which means, "God with us." Matthew 1:23

Martha, Mary and Advent

2008-12-06T09:20:00.002-05:00

The season of Advent always brings to mind for me the story of Martha and Mary. It is a story that has spoken to me so strongly through the years.

From Luke 10:38-40 (The Message) As they continued their travel, Jesus entered a village. A woman by the name of Martha welcomed him and made him feel quite at home. She had a sister, Mary, who sat before the Master, hanging on every word he said. But Martha was pulled away by all she had to do in the kitchen. Later, she stepped in, interrupting them. "Master, don't you care that my sister has abandoned the kitchen to me? Tell her to lend me a hand." The Master said, "Martha, dear Martha, you're fussing far too much and getting yourself worked up over nothing. One thing only is essential, and Mary has chosen it—it's the main course, and won't be taken from her."

I think the story speaks to me so much because I have both parts of Martha and Mary within me. In the book "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World: Finding Intimacy with God in the Busyness of Life" by Joanne Weaver the author tells us: "The thought intrigues us. Deep inside of you there is a hunger, a call to know and love God...it is the heart-to-heart intimacy you long for. Yet a part of you hangs back. Exhausted, you wonder how to find the strength or time. Nurturing your spiritual life seems like one more duty. Martha appeals to our tendencies...what a hostess!"

The thing is, during the Christmas season especially, how can we not be Marthas? There is planning, baking, decorating, countless events to attend...sounds like Martha will be in full gear, to me. And in some ways Martha gets a bad rap...I mean is she not serving and practicing hospitality? But it's when all those things wear us down to the point of exhaustion, that we truly do miss the point. Where do we find Christmas peace when our "to do" lists are so long we don't even time to think, but only to do?

But Jesus shows us the heart of Mary. Mary definitely knew what she was "supposed" to do...I'm sure there was scurrying and chaos surrounding Martha's wanting to be a great servant and prepare everything perfectly for the Messiah.

But Mary was drawn to Jesus. She was drawn to sitting with Him, to being with Him, to soaking up all He had to teach her, to the love that exuded from Him. The story always strikes me that Mary seemed to have this wonder and awe in needed to be close and learn at the feet of Jesus. He tells us in the this version of the Bible that "only one thing is essential". That "one thing" is what I need more than anything else. I hunger and need that heart-to-heart intimacy with a Savior. Not just any Savior. THE Savior. The Savior who has come to save us.

Our church is experiencing the Advent Conspiracy (www.adventconspiracy.org) during Advent. The focus is: worship fully, spend less, give more, love all. I can't help but think more about learning how to have a heart more like Mary.

There is so much that can distract us from the manger. But having a Mary's heart makes such sense to me, and I want to strive to have that heart. To be part of the story as never before. To drink in the love, joy, peace and hope of that tiny babe that came to transform each of us. Taking in the love of the one who came to transform all of us.

A Mary's heart in a Martha world is really going against the culture of the world we're caught up in. But a Mary's heart seems to be not only what I need, but what God wants of me.

After all, Christmas is about the greatest gift of all -- Emmanuel, God with us. That is just the gift I was hoping for.

CHILD-LIKE FAITH

2008-12-05T13:44:00.003-05:00

I had the unbelievable privilege of growing up on a farm in Allentown, NJ. It truly was there--through the beautiful creation around me, through the bonds of family, that I began to sense God and know of His goodness. I couldn't have asked for a more tranquil, fun, loving childhood--and especially setting to become the child of God I was meant to be.

In my memory, I keep snapshots of photographs in my mind--memories, special times, events, special words that I remember in my mind, but tuck away in my heart. The picture is one of a little girl, blond hair flowing in a ponytail walking hand in hand with her Dad through the cut down rows of corn that had already been harvested. The picture is especially beautiful in my mind's eye. The sun is setting on a fall day, a blazing orange sky with fingers of sunlight shining through trees that tower with leaves of red and gold on the edge of the field they line.

But it is not the beauty of the scenery that strikes me most, but maybe that's because I can recall the heart of the picture I carry. If you draw in closely it is the connection between a girl and her dad that creates the splendor of the moment for me. The way her green eyes fix upon her father's face and the gentle way he smiles back that causes such joy at the memory. Because the picture reminds me of something greater on this journey of faith. It is assurance, conviction and belief of a priceless gift: child-like faith.

There is something special about the simplicity of children. The way they love passionately, laugh contagiously and seethe world through eyes of awe and wonder. It was easy to love my Dad as a little girl. He was (and is, in many ways) my hero. He always had time for us, make adventures with us from the ordinary to the extraordinary, to laugh with us, to listen to us. And always, always loved us. I could trust him. He was my anchor. And my world felt safer because he was there to protect us.

What a wonderful model and example to understand and fathom the love of a heavenly father, given the gift of the earthly father I was blessed with. Through trials, hard times, joys and triumphs I have learned what it is to be loved unconditionally by a God who never leaves, who walks with me through every moment and has also paid the greatet sacrifice by the blood of the Cross. God wants me to be faithful and give all of myself in that child-like faith. We live in a world where commitment come an dgo. It is easier sometimes to walk away from keeping a promise, giving your word, reaching out and remaining true and authentic.

I want my faith and love for God to be that life-giving, life-enhancing, deeply immeasurable joy, that I had as a child. I want to love and serve God with passion and zest everyday. I like the photograph I hold in my heart and mind. It reminds me of who I was created to be. It reminds me that the delight and excitement of loving and being loved by a God who is so much greater than my own circumstance, deserves every part of me.

The words to "Faith Like a Child" by Jars of Clay really speak deeply to me and remind me of this childhood memory. But more remind me of the passion within me that I want to use to bring glory to God.

Dear god,

surround me as I speak,

The bridges that I walk across are weak

Frustrations fill the void that I cant solely bear

Dear god, dont let me fall apart,

Youve held me close to you

I have turned away and searched for answers I cant understand

They say that I can move the mountains

And send them falling to the sea

They say that I can walk on water

If I would follow and believe

With faith like a childSometimes, when I feel miles away

And my eyes cant see your faceI

wonder if I've grown to lose the recklessness

I walked in light of yo

Ive got joy like a fountain!

Be kind one to others

In Jesus Christ your sonT

hey say that love can heal the broken

They say that hope can make you see

They say that faith can find a savior

If you would follow and believe

With faith like a child

I may not always love and serve like that, but if I am constantly striving, I know I'm moving in the direction of child-like faith. And that gives me hope. Follow and believe. With faith like a child.

But Jesus said, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children.” Matthew 19:14

ROOTS AND WINGS

2008-12-03T13:29:00.004-05:00

A friend asked me to post a poem I wrote this past year based on my teenage son. Being a single Mom has come with such a special mix of both joys and challenges. But no one could prepare me for parenting a teen. But I have to say, through God's grace, I'm grateful to friends who support me, a God who loves me and two young men that I am am so privileged to have as sons. The truth is, I've grown as much as they have. What a blessing every stage has been!

I PROMISED I WOULD GIVE YOU WINGS by Jerry Lyn Luckie

I remember rocking you during those early morning feedings
Singing softly to you and promising two things:
I would give you roots—a foundation, a hope
And I would give you wings—to let you fly free
…to be who you were created to be.

The years have a way of rushing past and here we are
Living through divorce, and pain that you describe as the “hole in your heart”,
but amidst that struggle--to experience extraordinary joy and laughter
and perspective that has defined us
Learning together about growing up,
about what matters most
Learning how to be there
Living out a life of love.

I look at you now straining my head to look up into your eyes
Your face contorted with this “Oh, I am so right” determination
So willing to take on any political view just for the debate of it
Willing to stand up and do what is right, just as I hoped
(Though maybe with a little less of an attitude)

I sometimes think, “Where have you gone my precious boy?”
But I know you are in there, though sometimes I have to dig deep
Until I find the little boy smile or the eyes that light your face

Finding those faults in me that I thought were hidden from view
Examining my values, my choices, my life under a microscope
Pushing and pulling, struggling and negotiating, loving and doubting

Yet I know we are just where we are supposed to be in this moment
You wanting to push and test and see if I really do believe and trust in you
Me spending sleepless nights wondering if I’ve done the right thing
Picked the right battle, let your character shine through enough

And I wonder now: Have I done enough? Do the roots go deep enough?
Yet I know I have done my best in our circumstance to build the foundation
It’s really the wing part I have the hardest time with.
And yet, promises are met to be kept.

We have each held on tightly and now we know the time comes
For the releasing of hands, of hearts, of lives
For you have been molded into the individual you are becoming:
establishing even now, YOUR values, YOUR faith, YOUR choices, YOUR life

Because this is life as it should be
And I promised I would give you your wings.

Poem: The Shell

2008-12-03T13:16:00.002-05:00

THE SHELL

The shell’s solid outer covering
Feels like thick skin—firm to the touch
Tiny holes seep into the gray and white coating
As run my fingers over all the ridges
Worn, yet still strong

The thrashing of the waves
Tossing and turning
Battering and bruising
And breaking apart its wholeness

Yet, washed clean and thirsting
Through the imminent drenching
Of the tide, that though rough
Is shelter and refuge, too

For turning to see the shell’s inside
Its rare splendor sparkles
Revealing a luster that illuminates—
That reflects light and glimmers

Taking what was once broken and defeated
To reveal a new smoothness and softness
That is not perfection, but exposes its genuineness
Uncovering what is authentic and real

The broken shell
Now renewed
Refreshed
Restored
Recreated

By the plan of the
Author and Maker of her life
Mending what is broken
Giving hope through despair
Allowing joy through the pain
To be beauty and a gift of upward glory

Unfolding spirit with beauty and truth
In an extraordinary way

Advent Poem

2008-11-30T13:17:00.003-05:00

The "not yet" season

The season of preparing for Christ.

A time we almost miss in our eagness

To jump ahead to the joy of the Nativity.

It is not yet time for the Christ-Child

Not yet time for the shepherds, the angel song,

Mary, Joseph, the stable, the manger

The splendor, the rejoicing, the glory

Instead, a time to be attentive and focused,

A time for expectation and anticipation.

A season looking inward to the yearning of our hearts,

A time of introspection, of reflection,

Of seeking God's voice.

For Advent's gifts are in the waiting, the watching,

The deep mystery of searching and hungering,

Of reaching deep within to ache to see and hear and know

So that the promise will be revealed

In an ever brightening light.

For Advent is our time to tell God we are

Longing for the Messiah

And, in the darkness,

We create space for insight and vision

In the dimness we are anticipating

Welcoming the guest

As we journey toward the light,

Listening to the longing within.

For as God pieerces the darkenss and

The dawn brings its tender light

The darkness gives way to hope and promise

And newness of life.

And just ahead we hear the echoes:

"I am the light of the world.

Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness,

but will have the light of life."

Let the mystery of Advent unfold.

U-Turns

2008-11-29T10:57:00.008-05:00

Yesterday on the drive from work to one of my family's favorite traditions of the Christmas season--seing the lighting of the Christmas tree in Palmer Square, Princeton, NJ--an interesting thing occurred. Someone in front of me decided to make a U-turn right in front of me. As a driver trying to respond, it was a scary couple of minutes. But it got me thinking about the number of U-turns I've taken in my life--whether work, family, relationships.

I've thought about how all those U-turns have resulted in changes, or rather strengthened my faith life. There were job changes, relationship changes, friendship revelations, health changes. I would venture to say, though, that no matter the circumstance surrounding the "U-turn", it was always the response to it, that mattered the most.

My greatest changes and U-turns have been in my life as a parent, specifically, as a single parent. There have been numerous times when the children were small that I my husband and I had to try new things, as all parents do, in the feeding or sleeping routine, in discipline and teaching. Those things, though, became increasingly difficult as I became a single parent. Although my husband and I tried to co-parent on the very big issues, there some things--many things that were solely up to me. And not having the "tag team" in place anymore, was quite an adjustment. There were countless nights I would wonder how I could do it all.

Trying to set good examples when you are in the turmoil of separation and divorce is a struggle. But it was those very first months when someone pointed out to me that my children were looking to me to see what was still stable and constant in their lives that I got a wake up call. I was trying to overcompensate for the pain and brokenness around them, and my parenting became relaxed because I was in pain myself. That was the first of many "U-turns" where I prayed for God be my parenting partner. Of course, the bigger issue of divorce was the largest "U-turn" I'd experienced, but now looking back at those times and acknowledging how much deeper my faith life has become, allows me to see that those "turn abouts" aren't always bad. And God uses them to teach us and give us strength we never knew we needed.

Along the way there were many other times I needed to rely on God and others and had to ask for help--something really hard for me to do. I had to try new ways, new schedules, new approaches, all to build a stronger single-parent family. The next huge U-turn for me was in the teenage years. The knowledge and understanding I gained was really about my parenting changing, as I began to encourage responsibility and also allow freedoms and choices, as we faced (and are still facing) those fragile years.

The thing about U-turns for me is this: it matters that I recognize when it's time for a U-turn, or a Yield or a Stop Sign. And I have been given wonderful friends in my life that support me at every step of my life and faith journey, so leaning and asking for help is a gift. And lastly, if I need to make a U-turn, it's OK...as long as I'm running (as fast as I can, sometimes) into the arms of God. There I will find rest, refreshment and renewal for this journey as a single Mom and a child of God. Because I'm so human and I make mistakes daily. But God is there waiting, pulling, pushing, nudging me so that on this path...I know without a doubt that I am never alone and He is my Creator, Sustainer and true Life-Giver and present in every moment.

Even, and especially, if I have to make a U-turn.

Welcome to Eyes of Faith - A Grateful Heart

2008-11-26T22:09:00.004-05:00

This is my first post on this newly designed blog. I hope you will find words of encouragement, challenges in faith and just sharing and awakening to God's love in the ordinary moments of life.

A Grateful Heart

I started keeping a gratitude journal just as I was turning 30. But the journal became more necessary to my life, and to my faith walk when my husband left. There was a scripture God was putting on my heart pretty regularly: Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not put out the Spirit's fire. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-19 (New International Version).

During those first months of turmoils, separation, anguish and betrayal I was hard-pressed to be joyful or to give thanks. Until I began seeing through eyes of faith. I realized that focusing inward instead of outward and that healing had to occur slowly and love and forgiveness was to follow, but not on my terms. But it was then that my faith took hold and this idea of gratitude really began to take root inside my soul.

I found gratitude wasn't just a simple "thank you" whispered for a good deed, but it was an act of mercy, a way of life and a gift I couldn't put my finger. As I began to heal and God began to touch me so deeply, my melting heart began to experience moments of gratitude. I could feel this movement all around me of friends who wouldn't leave me, of family who stood beside me with acts of grace, and a God who continued to pour out his blessing over me as His child, a woman, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend.

Acknowledging and expressing gratitude--for little moments and big ones began to show me just how great a God I served. Slowly, I became alive again and actual started writing because of journaling my gratitude to God and all his blessings. The gift of gratitude has revealed a heart of joy -- even in the toughest circumstance.

In her book, "How Can I See the Light When It's So Dark?" by Linda Douty she shares that “An authentic thankful heart involves a kind of joy and acceptance of life—not necessarily approval or condoning, and certainly not fatalism, but a stalwart look at realities or past events we can’t change.” The author reminds us that we must dare to believe that the journey to a thankful heart is a trip worth taking. And she helps us navigate the bridges of gratitude.

Happy Thanksgiving -- with a grateful heart -- to the one who deserves all the glory!